-sheebs-

Breakfast with Cockroaches

2011-02-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

I woke up the next morning after my cockroach genocide feeling quite good about myself. It's not everyday a person can say that they killed 3 roaches in one night. I was like the story of the tailor who killed 7 flies in one swat. Except I'm a corporate lawyer and killing three roaches is about as interesting as life gets for me.

Anyways, I showered, got dressed, put on my makeup and opened my bedroom door feeling like I owned the world.

There, right in front of my eyes, on the wall opposite my door, stood the cockroach with the LONG YELLOW LEGS.

Yes, the original cockroach which crawled onto my hand for a taste of my earwax.

It's feelers moved in such a way that can only be interpreted as "YOU!!! YOU KILLED MY FAMILY!!!"

It was such a Nicholas Cage movie moment.

I glared at it. It glared at me. A hairball rolled past my feet as dramatic western music played in our minds.

As the cockroach glared at me, I ran into the room and grabbed my Mini-Shopaholic book cum roach killer and threw it at the roach.

The book flew, stopped in mid-air, spun around with Matrix-style effect and HIT the roach with surprisingly accurate aim.

As the book fell to the ground and the roach's feelers moved and positioned itself in what is meant in universal roach language as "I will have my revennnnnggggeeeee......."

The squashed roach then peeled off the wall and fell on the ground.

The only good roach is a dead roach

Only two things need to be said after this.

One is that Aufa has offered to buy me a roach trap to catch any vengeful descendants of the roach with yellow legs.

And two, the legs of the cockroach still remain on the wall where it was killed.

You have to admit, this roach has damn nice legs...

The end.

Cockroach Dreams

2011-02-11T06:30:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: No representation or warranty is made with regards to the truth or scientific accuracy of this blog entry. The author reserves the right to add extra details to the story to enhance the the content of the said story.

I was falling asleep with my hand above my head one night when I felt something move on my hand.

At first I thought it was probably my hair moving (when you're half-asleep, your ability to reason decreases to the point where you honestly believe that your hair is able to move without you controlling it).

The thing I thought was my hair then moved some more. It also felt oddly sharp. Now my hair is silky soft because I use Rejoice and comb my hair with just my fingers (Before you snort, please read the above disclaimer) so the sharp thing moving across my hand was definitely NOT my hair.

Stifling a scream (you see, I am a very considerate person. I do not want to disturb my neighbours with my loud screams), I jumped up and turned on the light.

This HUGE cockroach with long yellow legs was standing just at where my hand was. It gave me the evilest glare that any cockroach had ever given.

Panicking, I reached for the biggest book I had in my bedroom: Sophie Kinsella's Mini-Shopaholic (It was the big book edition so it's larger than the usual paperbacks).

The cockroach stood it's ground. In fact, it's feelers moved and positioned itself in such a way that can only be interpreted as " You'll never be able to kill me with that book, you skinny livered four-eyed human with short legs!"

And so, I threw the book with all my might at it.

Of course it didn't hit the cockroach. It bounced off my pillow and the cockroach scuttled to safety under my bed. Or so it thought.

Creeped out at the thought of a cockroach hiding under my bed, waiting for me to fall asleep so that it could come out and eat my ear wax (how am I supposed to know what cockroaches do at night?), I lifted my mattress with super-human might with all intention to Section 302 that cockroach (Section 302 is lawyer-talk for murder).

Hiding under my mattress were not one, not two but THREE FREAKING ROACHES!!!

They were the size of my pinky finger. God knows how long they lived under my bed having roach orgies and parties with earwax cocktails.

Remembering some random fact I read online that cockroaches breathed through their skins, I grabbed my spray deodorant and sprayed wildly hoping to kill all three.

Well, they didn't die straight away but it slowed them down enough for me to kill them with my Mini-Shopaholic book.

After killing all three with a satisfying THWACK!, I picked up their remains and flushed them down the loo.

As I fell asleep after that, I realised none of the cockroaches I killed had yellow legs...

Why we should never sing with headphones on.

2010-11-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, I think it is prudent to tell something that happened to me when I was younger.

A long time ago, when I was in Form 4 (a time when I imagined I had some musical talent), I was playing the guitar and singing. My dad shook my elbow slightly and told me "WAKE UP! You sound like you're having a nightmare!"

That was how I realised I had no musical prowess. And that I couldn't sing to save my life.

Now, I shall begin my story.

I was in the office late tonight when I heard sounds of drilling and hammering (No, it's not going to be a horror story. Well, not for you at least).

Irritated, I put on my headphones and blasted my music so that I would drown out the sounds of the construction work. It worked! I couldn't hear the construction at all!

The danger of using headphones with the music blasted out loud is that you will inadvertently start singing. Sometimes, it's just you humming along to the song but most of the times, it would be you singing something like this:

"Neeeaaarrr Farrrrr.. whereEVER you arrrrr! And you hmmm..num num num num.. NUM NUM!!! NEARRRR FAARRR!!! you GOPHEEENNNN the door! And you hmmm.. num num num num num num....!"

(That's Celine Dion's My Heart will Go on, in case you didn't catch it.)

Chances are, you'll have more num nums in your song than real words.

Anyways, the station I was listening to (Mix station on 977 fm) was playing really good songs. They started with Total Eclipse of the Heart, which I dutifully hummed to very quietly.

Then they continued with Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing, which is a mandatory song to sing to. And so I sung it at a slightly less than normal volume, knowing that the construction noise would drown my voice out.

After that, 977 fm played one of my favouritest songs ever: Iris by the GooGoo Dolls. The heck with it, I thought. It's 10.30pm, there's construction noise everywhere and no one will hear me sing my heart out.

And so I opened my lungs and sang!

Next thing you know, my colleague appeared at my door and started laughing at me. Pfft.

Apparently the construction noises had stopped some time ago. Sadly, my singing hasn't.

I'm still very embarassed. Hilang kejelitaan I.

Why I hate Capsicum

2010-10-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe how much I hate Capsicums. On the list of Top Ten Things Sheba will never put into her mouth, it ranks second, right below Nicholas Cage's..... finger.

If I had the choice between starving to death and eating Capsicums, I would probably choose to starve to death.

The ewwness that is Capsicum

So when the tealady/O-Brien's got my dinner order wrong and I ended up with Capsicums in my Chicken, Chicken Crisp Cheddar Hot Wrappo, I threw a tweetantrum on Twitter.

See, this is why I hate Capsicums.

1. It tastes like Capsicum.

Before you laugh at the above sentence, take time to think for a minute. How would you describe the taste of Capsicum?

Gross? Nauseating?

I bet you couldn't think of a proper adjective to describe it. Which is exactly why Capsicum should be made an adjective as well a noun. There is no other word to describe the disgusting taste of capsicum.

2. The taste (and smell) of Capsicum lingers.

The thing about Capsicum is that the taste of capsicum is like an ex who cannot accept the fact that you've moved on. It LINGERS. Put Capsicum in a sandwich and the taste of it permeates the bread and ruins the entire sandwich. Put Capsicum in "stir-fried mixed veggie" and it becomes "stir-fried capsicum with other veggies that taste like capsicum but are not capsicum". I tell you most solemnly that Capsicum is like the B.O. of a construction worker who stepped into a lift... it lingers and lingers and lingers.

And lingers.

3. Capsicum is FAKE.

People call Capsicum peppers. How the heck do you call something as big and as bright as this a PEPPER?

That's like calling a Perodua Kelisa a Mini Cooper.

Inilah Peng-kandang Kecil Buatan Malaysia (Peng-kandang meaning Cooper)

The true pepper should be insulted.

You see, the REAL pepper accentuates the taste of food. It should be given a medal for making all foods delicious. Soups, sandwiches, gravies.. real pepper makes your food all the more savoury.

That and the best pepper comes from Sarawak. And Sarawak RAWKS!

On the other hand, you have FAKE pepper here which even though it looks nothing like pepper, tastes nothing like pepper, it still is called pepper.

Fake pepper ruins the taste of all foods it touches. It's like the Adolf Hitler of vegetables. Real pepper should wage war on fake pepper and nuke it out of it's horrible existence.

We should really create an Anti-Capsicum Club (ACC for short). Nobody should be subject to the horrible taste that is Capsicum. Anyone interested in signing up for this Club should drop me a comment here and I will get in touch with you regarding how to eliminate Capsicum from this world. Or we could just chat. Up to you.

The End.

The Fienne-nest Man Around!

2010-08-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

I've been watching this show called FlashForward. It stars Joseph Fiennes, who in my opinion, is one of the Fienne-est men around.

You see, Joseph Fiennes has perfected a look with his eyes. It is this intense soulful tortured look in his eyes that you instantly feel his pain through it. The look is so intense that when you see it, you suddenly hear dramatic music in the background and you just KNOW something bad is going to happen after that.

Feel my pain.. feel it! Feel it!

When I watched the pilot of FlashForward, I fell in love with THAT look. I watched the next five episodes just so that I could get more of that look.

By the time the sixth episode rolled around, my honeymoon bubble popped and I noticed that JoJo (that's my nickname for Joseph-I-have-gorgeous-eyes-Fiennes) was using that look in nearly every episode.

He used THAT look when he found out that his partner was going to die.

Even though you're going to die, I'm the tortured one here!

He used THAT look when he found out his wife was going to cheat on him.

I'm so tortured that the other guy's bigger than me!

Heck, I bet that's the same face he'll be using when he's having a very good time with a woman, if you know what I mean. -wink-

Can I help it if my sex face looks like my partner-is-going-to-die look?

By the time I got to episode 12, I was quite sick of THAT look. I decided to change my plans of becoming Mrs. Sheba Gumis-Fiennes and wait for a man with more than one look. :)

I don't want him to look at me like this after I take my makeup off every single night.

The Fall of Sheba

2010-08-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

After a very filling dinner at Jarrod and Rawlins (sponsored by my cousin Gak), I decided to toddle over to Maybank to do some banking.

After banking in my rent, I stepped out of Maybank dengan sungguh bergaya with the receipt in my hand, my handbag on my shoulder and my hair blowing in the wind (It was a windy night). The sound of wolf-whistles from the mamak shop next to Maybank signaled my cue to begin my catwalk to my car.

As I took my first step towards the car, my foot buckled under me and I found myself doing the horizontal tango with the road.

It wouldn't have been too bad, except the same guys who wolf-whistled at me were still looking. And laughing.

If that wasn't bad enough, the receipt I had in my hand was caught by a gust of wind and was blown slightly out of my reach.

Now, the normal thing to do would be to get up, pick up the receipt and walk away with what dignity I had left in me. But then, that sort of fall wouldn't merit a blog post, would it?

Instead, this is what happened.

After I fell, my ankle was twisted in such a weird position that it was almost impossible for me to sprounce up after the receipt without feeling immense pain (Yes, we're talking IMMENSE pain. Pain worse than waking up with a migraine and a Justin Bieber song stuck in your head).

Meanwhile, the only proof of payment I had that I had banked in rent this month was being blown away to meet the Wizard of Oz.

I did a quick mental calculation in my head. The cost of my dignity was nothing compared to the hassle of trying to prove that I did indeed pay rent for this month.

And so, I did what any person in my situation would do. With my ankle twisted in a weird position behind me, I CRAWLED. I CRAWLED on the gravel road all the way to my receipt. And behind me, I could hear cackles of laughter. But that didn't matter because I caught the receipt!

The moment my fingers grasped the receipt, I could've sworn I heard Queen's "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS" playing in the background. All the men in the mamak store gaped in awe as I held the receipt between the short stumps I call fingers. Children all around the world would tell the story of how Sheba caught the Receipt.

OK, I kid. I kid. Nobody even noticed I caught the receipt. They just continued laughing. But still, once I caught the receipt, I gained enough willpower to ignore the pain, hoist myself up and hop to my car.

So the moral of the story is? If you fall, get up. Nah, just kidding. Stuff your receipt in your bag before you fall.

The End.

Gremlin in GSC?

2010-07-25T05:31:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I had the worst ever movie experience in my life. It was honestly worse than my movie experience where 3 old ladies who were plagued with stinky breath sat next to me and narrated the whole movie to each other (They didn't understand English so they narrated what they thought was happening to each other).

It all started like this: The Flea and I decided to catch one of the last showings of Toy Story 3. It so happened that the most convenient show was at GSC, Berjaya Times Square at 5.35p.m.

We had awesome seats at the second last row. However, a Malay couple behind us had more awesome seats. They had seats directly behind us.

When the pre-movie advertisements played, the couple behind us started talking. They talked through the advertisements all the way into the movie. I think they discussed everything under the planet, including politics, entertainment and even the meaning of life.

Anyways, the fact that they wouldn't shut up was not the worst part. Halfway through the movie, I noticed something moving out of the corner of my eye. It was a GREMLIN.

Gremlins wanna watch Toy Story 3!

I kid, I kid. It was a small little toddler, about as tall as my knee running around in the cinema. It's mother was nowhere to be seen. The gremlin/toddler made it's way behind my seat and stuck it's head between me and the flea's head.

It then squealed the loudest squeal ever.. louder than my squeal when I found out that I could not fit into my favorite dress.

I turned and glared at the gremlin. Toddler, I mean. The gremlin smiled happily at me, probably thinking that it was the cutest thing in the world.

I turned around to look for the woman who spawned the grem...toddler. No one seemed to want to admit ownership of the kid.

In times like that, there's only one thing to do. Ignore the offending creature and hope it will return to gremlin-land.

Sadly for the Flea and I, the little midget did not disappear in poofs of smoke. We were made well aware of it's presence when it thumped the Flea on the head. Not satisfied by thumping the Flea's head, it then thumped my head. It then proceeded to play bongo drums on the heads of all the people in our row of seats.

At that point in time, I began to wonder why no one else on our row was irritated by the toddler. Could it be that the toddler was a ghost that was specifically haunting the two of us? Or were all the people in our row Buddhist monks of the highest degree whose greatest virtue was the virtue of patience?

Buddhist Monks wanna watch Toy Story too!

As the toddler started it's encore of Bongo Drums on our heads, I decided to do something about it. As it hit my head, I hit it back (Not very hard, of course. It was just to make it stop hitting me). The gremlin looked at me, laughed and then hit me TWICE.

Flustered, and not willing to make the gremlin cry and ruin the movie for the whole cinema, I decided to ignore it again. After enduring another round of Bongo drums, the toddler decided that the career of Bongo-drumming was not for it. Singing, it decided, was a better career path.

And so, the toddler opened it's mouth and screamed louder than Chester from Linkin Park.

Suddenly, a body popped up from one of the seats at the bottom of the cinema, climbed up all the way to my row and picked the gremlin up.

Breathing a sigh of relief, the Flea and I cuddled up happily knowing that now the only irritant in the cinema was the couple behind us who were explaining to each other that Woody had lost his hat. At least there were no more bongo drums playing on our heads.

Or so we thought. Five minutes later, the gremlin was clambering up the cinema and ready to play a third encore of Bongo Drums!

Worst movie experience ever.

A post dedicated to QKT9020

2010-07-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

In October 2004, a man snuck into the basement carpark of the Kuching Court Complex and drove away with my father's car. The guards, seeing him drive by, saluted him. Imagine how the thief felt, stealing a car and then being saluted for it.

In July 2010, my dad received a message from one of his ex-colleagues in Court. In essence it said "They have caught a man driving around in your stolen car."

It transpired that the suspect lived just behind my neighbourhood! All this while, he could've been driving the car past our house and we did not notice!

Truth be told, I was quite undisturbed about the fact that the car had been found until I posted it up on my Facebook. Someone then commented that it was cruel that my family had forgotten about the car after a mere five years.

I started to feel a twinge of guilt. At that time, we were all traumatised by the theft of the car. Imagine how much more traumatised the car had felt!

This is probably what the car felt:

Day 1: I was driven away by someone else today. Weird. But he must be someone big... the guards saluted him as he went by!

Day 2: Did I get sold to this guy?Why is my real driver not driving me? Am I unwanted? -sad music plays in background- (the sad music probably came from my dad's cds)

Day 3: My real driver is coming for me...

Day 4: He is coming for me... Isn't he?

(Repeat same thought over and over again for 96 days)

Day 100: Ooh.. I'm being driven to my driver's old neighbourhood. Could I be sent home? I'm being driven past my old house!! That's my family!! Must... summon... will..to...honk...

Wait... what are they getting into?

THEY HAVE A NEW CAR!!! I've been... replaced...

-sadder music plays in the background- (It's probably Autumn Leaves covered by John Denver. It's the saddest song I can think of in my dad's John Denver CD.)

Doesn't that make you feel bad for the car? Anyways, QKT9020, I hope you're auctioned off to someone nice and kind and who will remember you forever. And I hope the John Denver CD is still with you as a reminder of your time with my family.

Anonymously Honest

2010-07-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

When we were in school, one of the values we learnt during Moral Education was honesty.

This morning, Sheela woke up to this message on her phone:

I am 24 yers, i sty in klang, i work as wirman, my prents was passed away, i have 1 sister she sty in canada with her husbend, i like to watch football and likE to fishing, i drink ever day, i got ur number from a 2nd phone, sometime after drink i like to chat about sex, normaly i cant adjust with PeoplE Thats why i don't have friend, if u like to be my friend then pls let me know, and if i am disturb u or my words hurt then i am realy sorry for that, i was told u everything about me, if u want to know more then ask me.

This guy must have gotten an A++ for his Moral because he was extremely honest. (Hang on, he didn't leave his name. I'll just give him an A+ for honesty then.)

Don't you wonder why he doesn't have friends?

Streamyx, You're Not Good Enough.

2010-01-29T04:42:00.000-08:00

Streamyx sucks. It really does. I shall make it my duty to inform anyone who might be misled by the "If it's not Streamyx, it's not good enough!" tagline that Streamyx is really not good enough!

It all began one fine morning when I moved to my apartment in Jalan Duta. My Maxis Broadband, which had been serving me faithfully for the past year in Shah Alam, decides to fail me. It literally took me half an hour each time to get a connection. Even if I did manage to get a connection, it would disconnect every 15 minutes.

30 minutes to log on only to be disconnected 15 minutes later. The only thing missing is the brrrrrriiiinnnngggg sound from the dial up modem.

I digress. This post is about Streamyx and not Maxis.

Fed up with Maxis, and spurred by the Streamyx adverts (Zero installation fee, Zero Cost etc! Jom Streamyx!) I decided to switch to Streamyx.

I applied for Streamyx through a dealer in Amcorp Mall in November. They told me, it would take 10 working days for Streamyx to be installed. 7 working days to install the phoneline, 3 working days for the modem installation.

1 week later. No one calls me. I call the dealer. They said they have sent the application to Streamyx and I should wait.

Another week passes. Still no one calls me. I call the dealer. The dealer tells me I have been given a phone number! The installer will call me to install my phone!

Another week passes. No one calls me. (Yes, if it seems like deja vu, it is.) I call the dealer. They tell me to call TM straight. I do. TM says, "Oh, some one else has been given your phone number. I will have to make a report and I'll get back to you."

I was extra extra pissed by then. How the heck can you assign me to a phone number and give it away to someone else???

I then wrote a long email to TM detailing how pissed I was. They responded

"Referring to your e-mail dated 1st December 2009 on application issue, we are sorry for the complication occurred. Kindly be informed that we have escalated your issue to our respective department for further investigation and explanation. Please note that we will revert to you as soon as possible when they get the necessary information. "

Apparently, they made yet ANOTHER report!

In the end, I managed to get the phone number of the TM installer from one of the TM Customer Care people and he came to install my phone line. TM then informed me that my Streamyx service will be installed within 3-4 days.

Fat chance.

Nobody reverted to me. I had to call TM up to remind them about my Streamyx service. They replied with "There's no port. You have to wait."

I was so so irritated by then. By then, it was the end of December (I applied at the beginning of November). I decided to give up and Potong-lah!

It so happened that the very day I decided to apply to Potong, a Streamyx installer called me up and told me that my port was ready and that they could install my Streamyx! Yay!!

He promised to come over and install it, which he did. Except when he installed it, there was a port problem. Meaning I couldn't use my Streamyx yet. A**holes!!!

He promised to get back to me within the week. Of course, this being a Streamyx installer, he didn't.

And so I called him. Over and over again. And he never picked up my calls. I honestly felt like a stalker calling him over and over and leaving him messages.

Frustrated, I called Streamyx Customer Service. I told them that I could not contact my Installer. They told me, in effect, that once they had assigned an installer, it was out of their hands. It was up to me to contact him. If after 14 days I cannot contact him, then they will reassign me to another installer. WTF??? Wonderful customer service they have.

I was so irritated, I sent an email to them and cc-ed it to the Multimedia Commision. It said:

> I have applied for Streamyx in early November. It took over a month for my fixed line to be installed(Phone number 03-62528081). To date (12.1.2010), my Streamyx has not yet been installed. On the 4th of January 2010, an installer, a Mr. Rahmat (hp no: 013-6967858) came to install my streamyx. However, he told me that there was a problem with the port and that he would revert to me within the week.
>
> It has been a week and he has not called back. All attempts of mine at contacting him have been futile. He is not answering my calls or sms-es.
>
> I called your care centre and they informed me that they are not responsible for contacting the installer. Therefore, I am left in the lurch.
>
> It has been 3 months since I applied for your service. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt until the end of the week to install my Streamyx. Otherwise, I will terminate my application and take this claim to the Consumer Tribunal and the Multimedia Commission. I have spent RM30 installing the fixed line for a Streamyx Combo that never came and RM30 in calling your frankly useless call centre from my mobile phone. (If you wonder why I did not call from my phone line, where it is free, the answer is simple. You never came and installed my phone line!)
>
> Yours truly,
>
> Sheba Gumis

This is what they replied:
> Dear Ms. Sheba,
>
> Thank you for your feedback to TM.
>
> Referring to your feedback dated 13th January 2010 on Streamyx Installation issue, the inconvenience you have experienced is regretted. Upon checking, we found that we has assigned an installer. Would like to advise you to call your installer that have been assigned to complete your installation process. Kindly refer below for the details:
>
> Name of Installer: MUHAMMAD RAHMAD BIN ABU
> Installer Phone Number: 013-6967858
> Date of Installation Appointment: 13th January 2010
>
> Thus, should there is a any difficulties for the installation, kindly revert back to us immediately.
>
> We hope we have addressed your concern and look forward to serve you better.
>
>
> Regards,
>
> Azhar
> Customer Care Support, Internet Services,
> Customer Service Management,
> TM Retail.

This is what I replied:

Dear Azhar/Tm Customer Support,

Did you not read my email? I cannot get in touch with my installer!

When I finally did get in touch with him, he told me that the problem was not in his hands. What sort of service are you providing?

Sheba

I was pissed beyond reason. I decided that enough was enough and I made an online complaint to the Multimedia Commission.

The very next day, the Streamyx installer came to install my Streamyx! And TM called me up personally and apologised profusely! (They blamed it on a technical glitch. Yea rite)

And so, I finally managed to install my Streamyx at the end of January 2010, 3 months after I applied for it. It may not be fast, but at least its reasonably stable.

And so, to all those out there who are pissed at Streamyx, I suggest that you make a complaint to the Multimedia Commission. We can't let Streamyx get away with monopolizing the land-based broadband and providing us horrible service for it!

And to TM, I suggest you cut back on your advertising as "If it's not Streamyx, it's not good enough!" and spend some money improving your services.

Because honestly, Streamyx, you're not good enough.

Get that Look!

2010-01-29T04:35:00.000-08:00

I came across this advertorial in the Star about a brand new clothing line called People's Republic. It was entitled Get That Look!

This is how a person wearing their clothes would look like.

This is what I found when I googled Hookers.

Yup! As the article says, Get that look!

How to tell a man by his water bottle

2010-01-11T06:06:00.000-08:00

I have a theory. One can tell a lot about a man from his water bottle. It'll put you in a position to judge whether he's worth your while to date.

If he carries around a 1.5L Coca-cola Bottle with water inside, chances are that he is:
1. A student. (Date-able if you're a student too)
2. Too poor to buy a real water bottle. (Possibly date-able, depending on how materialistic you are)
3. Not at all interested in his personal appearance (Date-able only if he's got a great personality)
4. Too stingy to buy a real water bottle (Undate-able.)

The Ubiquitous Coca-Cola bottle so common in classrooms

If he carries around a Thermos, he's
1. rich. (Thermos's are actually really pricey. I learnt that while water bottle shopping for my dad. Therefore, he's very Date-able)
2. got rich friends/relatives who bought it for him. (If they bought it for him as a present, imagine what they would buy for you two if you ever got married! Possibly date-able!)

You could throw this at someone and not dent it.

If he carries around a Pokemon/Barbie water bottle, he's
1. got kids of his own. (Undate-able unless he's divorced and you're into kids)
2. stuck in his childhood days. (Also undate-able unless you yourself have got a Barbie water bottle of your own.)

It really doesn't have to be Pokemon or Barbie. Any cartoon character will do.

If he carries around an Evian limited edition water bottle, he's
1. Gay. (Possibly datea-ble if you're a guy.)

He's also probably rich. The Haute Couture bottle goes for a minimum bid of 1000 pounds

If he carries around a normal water bottle, then he might just be normal!

Although if it was pink, you'd have to worry a little.

Butt-punch Kid

2009-12-15T01:21:00.000-08:00

Weird things always happen to me. Anyone updated on my twitter would agree. (It’s www.twitter.com/hyshegu Might as well advertise myself while I’m at it :p)

The other day I was walking to the Legal Aid Clinic from the train station in Masjid Jamek. I was wearing a new skirt which automatically rotated in when I walked. (It was too loose around the waist)

I suppose the rotating skirt must’ve been very alluring because I suddenly felt something punch my butt.

I turned around all prepared to scream in terror, half-expecting to see an itchy old man ready to cart me off and make me wife no. 7.

Instead, I saw nothing. At eye level, that is.

I looked down and I saw this little boy, no more than 3 years old, wearing a blue t-shirt and shorts and holding a toy car in his left hand. He was grinning at me in the manner of an itchy old man ready to cart me off and make me wife no. 7.

At that point, I honestly had no idea what to do. I could scream molest, but who would believe that such a little boy would harbour such desires to punch my butt.

I could also punch that kid’s butt back but his mother would probably come to the rescue with a giant frying wok full of oil. (She was a hawker outside Masjid Jamek station)

Instead, I glared at him and walked away as quick as I could. If he was like that, imagine how his dad would be like. Probably he would be an itchy old man with 7 wives.

Kids these days.

My NPHS Imposter

2009-11-06T04:31:00.000-08:00

I just bought a water heater called 'Beebest' for RM290. It was supposedly better than the RM180 one because the salesguy Ken said, and I quote,

"This one is better because it has Nano Platinum Healthy Shower."

Me being me, I nodded and agreed that Nano Platinum Healthy Shower was an integral part of a shower system.

That and the Nano Platinum Healthy Shower looked more solid than the RM180 one.

And so, I decided to get the Nano Platinum Healthy Shower. (Ok, Ok, NPHS for short. I got tired typing it.)

The first night I showered, it was utter bliss.

It was the first shower I had that did not involve me running under my covers and screaming "COLD COLD COLD!!!"

I loved my NPHS so much that I composed a poem for it.

It was something like this:

Before I showered, I was so cold
And now with Beebest, I am so bold,
To shower at night and in broad daylight,
I found a cure for my cold plight.

Anyways, I was showering happily under my Beebest when I noticed the logo.

The logo said

Ag+ Nano Platinum Healthy Shower Ag+

My warmed up brain (from the hot water) startedremembering my chemistry. Ag is short from Argentium which is the chemical name for silver. And silver is definitely NOT platinum.

That's right people, I've been cheated. They fooled me into buying a shower which did not have platinum particles in it!

Sigh. So much for my NPHs.

My Identity Crisis

2009-11-04T06:18:00.000-08:00

All my life I thought I was Bidayuh.

Look at the nose. Is that NOT a Bidayuh nose?

Even though I can't speak Bidayuh to save my life (Although I can say "Oku Doriek Kobus!" meaning I don't want to die!) and I have more Chinese blood than Bidayuh blood (3/4 Chinese since my dad's half Chinese and my mom's as Chinese as you get), my IC still says "Bidayuh atau."

Bidayuh atau is apparently short for Bidayuh atau Land Dayak.

So anyways, Bidayuhs= Natives= Bumiputeras. Common sense right?

Yeah well, life isn't that simple in Malaysia.

All this started when this girl was rejected into Matriculation because she wasn't a bumiputera. Thing is, she's Iban-Chinese. Her official race is Iban.

Apparently Article 161A of the Federal Constitution says that a "native" means -

(a) in relation to Sarawak, a person who is a citizen and either belongs to one of the races specified in Clause (7) as indigenous to the State or is of mixed blood deriving exclusively from those races;

(7) The races to be treated for the purposes of the DEFINITION of "native" in Clause (6) as indigenous to Sarawak are the Bukitans, Bisayahs, Dusuns, Sea Dayaks, Land Dayaks, Kadayans, Kalabits, Kayans, Kenyahs (including Sabups and Sipengs), Kajangs (including Sekapans, Kejamans, Lahanans, Punans, Tanjongs and Kanowits), Lugats, Lisums, Malays, Melanos, Muruts, Penans, Sians, Tagals, Tabuns and Ukits.

Now for me to be a native, I have to either
a) belong to one of the races in clause 7; or
b) be of mixed blood deriving exclusively from those races.

Now you see, I definitely do not fall under the second statement. So the only way for me to be a native is through the 1st statement.

My IC says I'm a Bidayuh atau. This is because we follow our father's race. So since the race on my IC shows that I'm a Bidayuh, doesn't that mean that I belong to the Bidayuh/Land Dayak race? And therefore, I am a Bumiputera?

Seriously, after almost 22 years of telling me that I'm a Bumiputera, you're suddenly changing your mind and telling me I'm not one?

My whole life is based on Bumiputera privileges (though I'm not proud to admit it, but I might as well take advantage of what I was born as).

I went to Matriculation because I was a Bumiputera.

I don't deserve to be in this picture!

I went to UiTM and received my law degree because of my Bumiputera status.

He's taking my degree back!!!

And now, if you invalidate my Bumiputera status, what happens to all those? Are my law degree and my matriculation certificate void ab initio?

And now you want the PM decide if I'm a Bumiputera.

I hereby declare that Sheba Gumis is not a Bumiputera! She's SESAT!

He doesn't even have the jurisdiction to determine that. It is the Federal Court that has the jurisdiction to interpret the Federal Constitution. (Article 128 of the Federal Constitution)

It would be very sad they rule that I'm not a Bumiputera. It means that my country has been lying to me for 21 years.

Afterthought:

My cousin Jung (and Gak) are Bidayuhs.Mother's full Bidayuh. Dad is Bidayuh-Chinese (but his official race is Bidayuh). If their Dad is not a Bumiputera, can they be Bumiputera even though their father isn't? Technically they fit the criteria since both their parents are Bidayuhs.

Oh the headache.

The Convocation

2009-11-02T04:16:00.000-08:00

I honestly think practice does make perfect.

My 1st Convocation was a huge letdown. Parents were pissed and bored, I was late to cam-whore with friends and I left my camera in my handbag (which the Flea subsequently left in his car).

Ultimately, the only pictures of my convocation for my Bachelor in Legal Studies were these:

The official graduation photo

The unofficial one, in front of a shoplot next to motorcycles. -glares at the Flea-

Convocation No. 2 was much much better.

The Bimboes (or is it Bimbos? We could never rule as to the spelling of the plural of Bimbo), the self-proclaimed Him-bo (a.k.a the Flea) and the Dillon all congregated and spent a weekend of shopping, clubbing and eyebrow threading together.

Spot the Dillon.

It was a magical weekend, as evidenced by the robes and the hat and me grabbing Sheela's boob.

But that's beside the point.

I'm still straight.

Duck looking disbelievingly.

Anyhows, the real convocation day came.

I came prepared. I brought my dad's cameraphone.

I cam-whored with friends.

An example of bad cam-whoring. Faces squashed to the side are NOT artistic.

What I didn't prepare for was for my uni to be extra-extra paranoid over the swine flu.

First they gave us hand sanitizers.

Then they took our temperature with a laser looking thingy.

Then they gave us orange stickers to prove we were h1n1 free.

I'm H1N1 free! Take THAT Civic-Minded Bitch!

And to top it off, before we entered the hall, they gave us face masks to wear!!!

And so our procession of graduates into the hall was a flurry of robes, mortar boards and face masks.

The ideal outfit for a UiTM graduate (complete with face mask and orange sticker)

And to think I laughed at the guy who wore his face mask on stage to receive his degree.

The Convocation was much more fun cos I got to sit next to my bestest mates from uni. (It's always been the three of us from BLS Part 1 to LLB Part 2).

Except at that time, Puteri was a brunette.

And so, my final memory of UiTM as a student was a happy one.

At least I didn't have to cam-whore in front of motorcycles this time round.

Instead, I cam-whored with Syeela and an ox.

Note the ox is eating Syeela's robe

Civic Minded Madness

2009-10-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

I really don't know why I attract weird comments.

The other day I went with Balqish to a Club 21 Warehouse Sale in Bangsar Village II.

As I entered the event hall, my nose started to itch, thanks to the dust in the clothes. Being allergic to dust thanks to a sinus condition, I started sneezing.

As I sneeze, some kepoh-ma b*tch comes up and tells me that I should be wearing a mask.

I tell her smiling (more like smiling through clenched teeth. But still smiling, nonetheless) that I was having a sinus infection and it was not H1N1.

Then she asks me rudely "How would you know?"

WTF???

I told her that I knew I was having a sinus infection and if she was unsure, she could follow me to the doctors, pay for my medical bills only to confirm what I said. I then asked her if she was a doctor.

She admitted she wasn't (hardly surprisingly) and she continued to tell me that I was inconsiderate and in the light of H1N1, I should be wearing a mask and she would report me.

That's right, REPORT ME.

Of course, I bet she has no idea who she would report me to, but in her kepoh mind, I'm sure she was pretty sure she could have me arrested by the police for sneezing.

Sadly, Balqish pulled me away before I could tell her off even further.

Seriously, have we come to a point where mere sneezing is considered an offence?

And for the record, sneezing isn't a symptom of H1N1. Fever, chills, cough and sore throat are. Bet Miss-Civic-Minded B*tch didn't know that,did she?

How I Bled in Phuket

2009-09-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

I was having my period when I went to Phuket.

On the second day, we went on a cruise trip and I was still having my period.

Me contemplating my period.

It turned out that I leaked during the cruise.

To cover the leak (since I was wearing a miniskirt and I didn't want blood running down my thighs) I covered myself with a towel.

Note the white towel in the plastic bag.

The towel was white. (But at that time, I really didn't care. My plan was to remove the towel before I got up and fold it before anyone noticed.)

It was really a foolproof plan.

That was, until they decided to have a conga line around the ship.

The wonderful cruise crew dragged me up and made me join in the line.

As Sheela said, my ass was like a Japanese flag.

This is not the Japanese Flag. This is my white towel.

I sat down at the closest possible seat and scuttled back to my seat as soon as I could, praying that no one noticed.

Fat chance. A British lady came up to me and said "Here are some wet wipes. Go clean yourself up."

Possibly my most embarrassing period moment.

It Doesn't Pay to Jual Mahal

2009-09-22T04:43:00.000-07:00

When I was in Phuket, this was the standard line used on me by street peddlars and tuk-tuk/taxi touts:

"Miss, you so beautiful! I love you!You want tuk tuk?"

I was feeling quite proud (even if the compliments were completely insincere) when one guy went

"Miss Miss!"

Me, being 'jual mahal' and all ignored him.

"Miss, Miss!"

I still went on ignoring him.

"Miss, Miss! Your fly is down!"

DAMN!

The Phuket Trip

2009-09-22T01:34:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, two girls went to Phuket.

Girl No 1: Sheba Gumis

Girl No. 2: Sheelajini Paramjothy

They were completely straight and not lesbian, mind you.

See? Completely straight.

When they arrived in Phuket, they wanted to see Lady Boys.

They were instead taken to a lesbian sex show.

How did they know it was a lesbian sex show?

1. The people there were men and their thai whor... girlfriends.
2. The girls gyrating topless on the stage were wearing black g-strings which did not have balls underneath.
3. The hostess told us "Lesbian show starts in 2 minutes!"

The two girls panicked and ran out of the lesbian sex show to a real lady boy show.

But then they were too scared to take photos because they were afraid the lady boys would want tips.

All they dared take pictures of was of this disco ball.

The next day, they went on a cruise to James Bond Island.

They met two men who turned out to be Iranian. The girls' gay radar said they were gay.

Turned out they were not gay. The girls' figured that out when the gay Iranian guys asked for their email addresses.

Guy on the right is one half of the gay Iranian guys. Only he wasn't so gay after all.

The girls also met extremely hot Greek Gods.

Problem was, the moment the girls spotted the Greek Gods, the gay Iranian guys moved in and asked if the girls could take a photo of them.

Only one girl managed to escape and snap this photo of the Greek Gods.

Definition of Greek Gods: Perfectly toned abs, brown skin and tattoos!!!

The other girl had to stay behind and take photos of gay Iranian guys. Sigh.

When the girls went back, they decided to go shopping.

They saw a very pretty bangle. The street peddlar offered 850 baht for it. (RM85). The girls offered 100 baht. The peddlar threw the bangle down and pointed to the moon and told them to go there.

Don't see any moon? Neither did we. It was the night before Raya.. of course there was no moon!

Mean peddlar.

Happy Always!

2009-09-13T04:20:00.000-07:00

Random people enjoy adding random people on Facebook. I usually send a message to these people I don't know who've added me asking if I knew them.

Their answers are usually along the lines of

"You don't know me yet but wouldn't you want to?"

Then again, there's the odd weirdo who answers:

"MSN says yes. I know English."

Right. So because you know English, I would want to be your friend.

Anyways, this is officially the best answer I've ever gotten:

"my dear not importent we know each other or not,importent respect. honest careing.just i want friend ship with you,if u except my request answer http://www.facebook.com/l/bf9b3;me.be human every can know each other,when baby born he dont know any body but slowly slowly he start to know every body and every thing.take care and be happy always."

Happy Always!!!!

The Cab Driver Who Knew Too Much

2009-09-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

My new job involves me taking lots of cabs to court (I can't afford to park at work). I have decided that cab drivers are the weirdest lot ever. It may be something to do with being cooped up the car alone for long periods of time. Anyways, this is the story of the weirdest cab driver ever.

It was a bright sunny day when I boarded a cab in a black turtleneck sweater and a skirt. (I was sent to court last minute to get some signature and I conveniently wasn't wearing a conventional white top)

The cabbie, an old man with thick specs asked me "Lu mau pegi mana?"

"High Court Jalan Duta"

"Aiyo.. Itu tempat manyak jamlah"

I frowned. It was 3 in the afternoon. The courthouse was 5 minutes from my office. Chances of jam were almost nil. And so, I paraphrased my thoughts and told him "Tada jamlah!" (At the same time I was marvelling at my skill in speaking Chinese-Taxi-Driver language)

"Lu loyar ah?"

"Ya..." (I figured telling him I was a pupil in chambers would be too much of a hassle to explain)

"Kenapa baju lu tada cantik macam loyar?"

"Err.. baju saya tada cantik kah?"

"Itu loyar biasa pakai baju cantik."

I decided then to merajuk with him and not talk to him. He obviously didn't realise I was sulking because he then said,

"Kenapa lu tada bawak kereta?"

"Mahallah mahu bawak kereta."

"Lu suruh lu punya tauke bayarlah!"

"Mana ada tauke mahu dengar cakap saya."

"Lu punya tauke cina kah india?" (At this point I wondered why Malays were not included in his question)

"Err.. Cina" (Since I don't know who the most senior partner is in the firm, I based my answer on my master)

"Aiyo... lu cakap sama dia bagi bayar. Nanti lu tak payah pakai taxi lagi." (He's not a very good sales person, is he?)

This was turning out to be the longest taxi ride of my life.

He seemed to enjoy it though, He then asked me "Lu berapa tahun ah?"

"22"

"Muda lagi! Lu baik pergi belajar lagi. Dulu lu kerja apa? Secretary ah?"

I supposed it was my outfit that made him think that I was only worthy to be a secretary and not a lawyer.

Mercifully, he turned into Jalan Duta and was about to bypass the courthouse when I squealed for him to turn right.

He said "Ini bukan mahkamahlah!"

"Ini mahkamah!"

"Bukan! Itu mahkamah!" -points to the MATRADE building-

"Haiya! (I was VERY irritated) INI mahkamah. Baca itu sign!"

The taxi driver laughed and said "Oh, saya fikir ini tempat orang sembahyang."

Then again, since he's so well-versed in how lawyers should dress and how much senior partners should pay pupils, he could be right. And Rafidah Aziz is actually the Chief Justice.

P/S: Before I left, I HAD to rub it in. I told him "Tengok? Tada jam nak pegi Court!" Oooo yea....

2 in the Morning

2009-09-03T03:08:00.000-07:00

At 2.15 a.m last night, I was awoken by the sound of my handphone ringing.

I picked up. Some Indian guy was on the phone.

“Is this Sheba?”

“Yeah,”

“This is (I couldn’t hear the name).Are you in Shah Alam or Kuching?”

“Huh?”

“Are you in Shah Alam or Kuching?”

“I’m around. Why?”

“I’d like to take you out to dinner tomorrow night.”

“What?”

“I’d like to take you out to dinner tomorrow night.”

“Hang on, who’s this?”

“This is (insert name here. I really didn’t hear it.)”

“Do I know you? How did you get my number?”

“You don’t know me. I got your number from my friend.”

“Let me get this straight. *raises voice* I don’t know you and you’re calling me at 2 (“Sorry, Sorry!”) in the morning to ask me out for dinner?”

“Yes. Sorry, sorry.”

‘I’m afraid I have to say no.”

-Puts phone down-

2.50 am- Phone rings from that same number again.Turned off phone.

Come to think of it, I should have just said yes to the dinner and let him wait.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

2009-08-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Two Sundays ago, I was driving when a white cat crossed the road.

It looked skinnier and dirtier than this

It stopped, glared at me and vomited. That's right. VOMITED.

Its' vomit looked something like this.

Minus the milk carton, of course

Anyways, I thought nothing of it and went home.

Except before I got home, Sheela called me up and told me that our former crazy landlady had locked us out from our home. (Long story. Will tell it later.)

We broke into the house and moved out that night to a flat with Banglas living opposite. The Banglas weren't too bad really.(minus the fact that they stole Sheela's rail. But in their defence, they probably thought she didn't want it anymore.) It was the dust that caused me to fall sick.

It looks presentable? Wait 'til you see the inside.

The house was so dusty that I had asthma attacks and had a high fever that lasted for 3 days. I really thought it was H1N1. It cost me RM40 for a doctor to tell me it was not.

Anyways, we moved out of the house to a nicer place in almost Mont Kiara. I say almost because we're 5 minutes away from having that prestigious address.

Almost but not quite there yet.

Things were starting to look better when my sponsor Which Shall Not Be Named called me up to pay off my debt to them. They want to send me marketing in Sri Aman!!!!

And this morning, I woke up, went to the car and realised it was senget.

Some MotherTrucker stole my left back tyre!!!!

I blame the White Cat. People say Black Cats are bad luck. I say ALL cats are bad luck. -glare-

Sumanto, the Cannibal

2009-08-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

This is Sumanto.

That's PAK Sumanto to you..

Sumanto is a very hungry man.

How Sumanto looks when he sees food

In one sitting, he can eat two big plates of rice, 60 sticks of mutton satay, 16 fist-sized chunks of beef and eight pieces of chicken

One day he dug up a corpse of an 80 year old woman and ate her 'cos he was so hungry.

Anyways, he learnt his lesson.

He does not eat meat anymore. Only bayam. (He must have watched too many Popeye shows)

All he wants to do is taste love.

According to the Flea, love tastes like this.

His kampung people won't accept him back though.

They say he's a bad-tempered person who likes to steal chickens.

I want your chickens!!! And maybe a slice of your toe...

Poor Sumanto.
How can you reject a face like this?

P/S: This is a true story.

2009-07-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

My phone bleeped this morning

"Hie how r u?"

And so I replied "Who's this?" thinking that maybe it was Hugh Jackman texting me wondering how I was. (It doesn't matter that it was a 019 number. Hugh Jackman may have bought a 019 number for all we know.)

The reply was:

"Hrmm, wel i dun knw u n u dnt knw me. im just intrestd to be ur friend. if u dnt mind me friend"

(At that moment, I honestly was thinking "DAMN! Its not Hugh Jackman!")

I had two options. A) Reply and hope that he's a really hot guy or B) Don't reply and save credit.

I chose B. Why? Because chances that the guy is really hot is probably lower than 0.00001%. (Okay, maybe lower since he "dnt mind me friend")

Two seconds later, he texted again:

"Sory to dstrb u"

Then two seconds later this came again:

"? Plese tel, yes or x..."

His ultimatum was this:

"If u nt intrstd just tel me plz"

-rolls eyes- I know I'm supposed to be flattered but he doesn't know me!!!

Anyways it makes you wonder how sad his life is if he just messages random numbers looking for company.

Billionaire Sh*t

2009-07-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

Remember Elie Youssef Najem? He's the self-proclaimed billionaire who pledged (and did not pay)RM1 billion donation to MAKNA.

Look at me! I'm a billionaire!

Anyhows, his girlfriend/wife (the status of their marriage is questionable) apparently fell to her death from a condominium.

Remembering how weird he was, I decided to google him.

Apparently the guy has his own website!

What I gathered from his biography is this:

Dr. Elie Najem was brought up in such a way that God must come before anything in their life. Slowly this man, he went into venture of business after severe accident that kept him handicap. He lost a brother at the age of 19. Rodrique Najem was murdered by Robert Atkinson, a boy who was stealing Rodrique’s apartment at night. He shot him after counting 1, 2, 3 and then pulling the trigger. Even there was evidence to convict the murderer for a life sentence but the judge was a female so she got him free.

Hmmm... if someone counted 1, 2,3 while holding a gun at me, I think that would give me enough time to run away.

Dr. Elie Najem also seems to be very worried about the Atkinson family trying to assasinate him.
And then Dr. Najem began the fight against real justice in this world. He left Canada and never went back just for him to stay safe and sound as for the Atkinson family tried to assassinate him few times.

Dr. Elie Youssef Najem has not seen his brother and his brother’s kids since he has left Canada because of the Atkinson family who are trying to kill him and that is very sad to make him suffer like this in his last days.

Dr. Elie Youssef Najem has a brother called Dr. Toni Najem who is married to Princess Illaria Gaytano Ramandelli, the daughter of throne of Italy who are actually fighting for it back. He is a very successful businessman who is the owner of various different chains of restaurant and coffee shops thru out Canada. He has 3 kids and Dr. Elie Youssef Najem has not seen his brother and his kids since he left Canada as the Atkinson Family are trying to kill him for fighting for his believes and justice. Dr. Elie Youssef Najem has not seen his brother or his brother’s kids since he left Canada because Atkinson family are trying to kill him and that is very sad to make him suffer in his last days.

Tsk tsk... it's very mean of the Atkinson family to try to assasinate Dr. Elie and that is very sad to make him suffer in his last days.

Apparently, Dr. Elie's brother is also an actor.

Dr. Najem sees his brother’s (Sayed Najem) goal, so achieved in life. He is an actor. Dr. Elie Najem says he has acted in 14 different movies and now he just finished acting in last movie, Hard Rock. He did Prince Hector in the movie Troy. He can’t stop speaking about his little brother. He goes in tears and say I must see my family. He is scared to die without seeing them as he has not seen them since he has left Canada. It is really sad for this man not to see his family this long
This is Prince Hector in Troy.

Yummylicious!

And this is Dr. Elie's brother.

Wanted Target by the Atkinson Family

Uhuh.

Anyways, I IMDB-ed Sayed Najem and this is what I got.

Apparently, Sayed Najem acted in a ciplak version of Troy!

He's such a bad actor that most of his roles are nameless. In fact, his own brother can't even remember the name of his movie!

(Dr. Elie calls it Hard Rock. The movie is called Hard Luck. )

Anyways, the billionaire who is Dr. Elie posted this up on his website:

I am not taking any donations for building any hospital. Any support or any help will be for my own personal use. For the fight against the newspapers and the police who is trying to kill me and destroy me. And remember, that the insp. that arrested me he wants me to die from starvation. Remember people, I need insulin, I need cancer medication, and the insp. has taken my banking papers, my company papers, everything that I own he has it all. He's trying to get me wiped out the face of the earth. I hardly eat, I hardly take medication. If it wasn't for the people that are surrounding me, I would have died long time ago. I am hungry for the fight. Please support me, personally. Your support is not to build the hospital, it is for my own personal use. I must pay electricity, water, sewerage. If I go to the toilet is not free god bless you all me and farinnie waiting for your support and help with our life on till the fight is over god bless you i need to pay for my medication and insuline and transfussion thank you help me please the inspector want me to die dont let me die dont let the police officer win over me help me only me please remember the news reporter from star and straite times are goofs and no good they lies and try to hurt me help me against all people who dont want me to win support me thank you need your money at least one dollar

Right. Anyone who wants to send him even one dollar, you'd be better off forwarding your money to me.

The Ballgown Episode

2009-07-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

I saw the most beautiful ballgown ever in Phenomenal in Midvalley.

It had an empire waist, was made out of velvet and fell to the floor.

It was so beautiful, I just HAD to try it on.

And so, I took the dress to the fitting room.

Just before I could step into the fitting room, a bird-like saleslady popped out from nowhere.

"You want to try the dress issit?" She squawked.

"Yup" I nodded.

She took a disproving glance at me and sniffed "This dress is a size zero. You cannot zip it up."

I blinked at her. Who the heck is she to tell me whether it can or cannot fit?

And so I closed the door and tried it on just to prove her wrong.

IT FIT. By God, IT FIT!

And so, I opened the fitting room door, screamed to my mom "MA!!! It fit!" and glared at the evil birdlike saleslady.

Hah!

Score 1 for Sheba, Score 0 for the evil Sales lady!

P/S: I bought the dress but I made sure another saleslady got the commission. Padan muka!

The Non-Sexperience Haircut

2009-06-20T03:15:00.000-07:00

I needed a new haircut and I needed a place to cut it.

Someone suggested Cutting Edge Hair Salon.

I considered going there until I saw this advertisement in the newspaper.

In case it's blur, it shows a woman going in (right picture) and a kid coming out (left picture) saying " I love you! I look 20 years younger!"

Thing is, if I went there, I'd end up looking like this:

Maybe a bit younger than this.. I AM young after all.

Not only that, but the website suggested a hairstyle called the Sexperience.

Would I look sexy in this?

Apparently works for men too!

Hot stuff!!!

Knowing that the Flea wouldn't be very happy as a pedophile, I decided to go to Abbie's hair salon at Chonglin Park.

The hairstylist, Helen, said that my old hairstyle made me look too mature.

And so,here are the results!

Am very happy with it!

Gremlin Alert!

2009-06-16T05:47:00.000-07:00

There are Gremlins about.

WANTED FOR BEING SO DAMN CUTE

First, my handphone's lcd screen went mysteriously blank.

Then, my laptop had no sound.

All my msn contacts also disappeared.

The few contacts you can see there are those I had to add manually. Sad sad.

I voiced out my suspicions to Jonas.

The Gremlins must have heard me because that night, all electrical items upstairs mysteriously turned themselves off.

Then the desktop computer crashed.

After that, my laptop's cd drive cover fell out.

It's all my fault for bringing THIS Gremlin home 4 years ago.

Fugly the Gremlin/Furby.

Attack of the Evil Winged Insects

2009-06-12T06:46:00.000-07:00

I was showering at night and I noticed two winged insects flying around the light.

Figuring it was nothing, I continued my shower.

Next thing I knew, I felt something land on my body.

It was the evil winged insect!!!

Then I felt another land on me. And another!

Now imagine that on the more censored parts of my body.

I looked to the light and saw hundreds of those winged insects swarming the place.

I was under attack!!!!

And so, I picked up the showerhead and ATTACKEDDDDD!!!!

A showerhead? Nah.. More like EVILWINGEDINSECTKILLER 2000!

I managed to kill enough winged insects to grab my towel and make my escape.

I bet the insects never imagined themselves dying on top of a toilet tank.

Here I am, survivor of the Evil Winged Insects!

This is what you get for attempting to molest me in my own bathroom!

UFOs and Kuching

2009-06-05T19:41:00.000-07:00

I think Kuching has a subconscious fascination for UFOs. You see, our UFO fascination begins with the Civic Centre Building.

Quite frankly, it looks like a UFO on stilts.

Then you have our DBKU building.

Looks like a UFO landed on a hill and some guy ran up and stuck a flag on the top.

The latest addition to Kuching's UFO-based architecture is the new Dewan Undangan Negeri building.

It just looks like some sort of evil UFO's exo-skeleton.

There are too many UFO-like buildings for it to be a coincidence. for all we know, the buildings are REAL UFOs with real aliens inside... waiting to take over the world!!! -cue evil laugh-

If Kuching is really the stopping point for all UFOs, then the only thing we can really do is do the "I come in Peace sign".

Kuching-style.

The Fight on Facebook

2009-06-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

I was home Friday night lamenting over my lack of a Friday night life. I updated my Facebook status to say:

I came back to see this comment on my status:
Was a bit upset over the comment because:
1. He was insulting my weight concern
2. He told me to exercise etc..
3. I was maybe a bit overemotional.

Anyways, I pointed this out to Imran and Jay and they both agreed it was a bit mean. I mean, you're almost a stranger and you're insulting me on my facebook page!!!

A couple of minutes later.. this was what my facebook page looked like:

It was getting kinda mean when Jay decided to post this:

And to rub salt in the wound, he added:

YAYYY!!! GO JAY!!!

There's much much more and you can find it here. Too lazy to crop it and paste it here. But it gets juicier.. he ends up insulting local unis and calling us dumb f--ks. But who cares right? Cos I've got my heroes right here...

Excuse the bad Photoshopping. And sorry Jay.. your head looks kinda big.

And that includes Fadli too.

What an end to my Friday night.

The Sad Story of My Convocation

2009-06-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

This is about 6 months overdue but I'll blog about it anyway.

For my convocation, I was extra extra excited. I was so excited, I even got my cousin to try on my robe for me.. to make sure it fit.

Before the convocation, I brought my camera along to cam-whore.

These are the pictures I managed to take.

Ieda, Me, Seet and Stef (We're all next to each other cos we're all S's)

Stef, Salwa and I. More S's

However, before I went into the hall, I noticed that my handbag did NOT match my outfit! (It looks weird to wear a robe and a Guess handbag. A White Gucci Bag suited the occasion more.)

And so, I passed my handbag (plus camera) to my darling Flea.

After the ceremony, I searched for the Flea so I could camwhore with friends, because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity etc..

When I met him, this is how the conversation was like:

Sheba: Ayang! Quick! Where's the camera? I wanna take photos!

Flea: Err..Ayang...

Sheba: Sayannnnggg.." (said with THAT tone. Probably the same tone Cleopatra used when Caesar brought her back charcoal instead of kohl.)

Flea: I put the camera in the car.

Sheba: WTF?? Go get the car!!!

Flea: It's at the mamak.

Sheba: -inhales deeply with hidung kembang-kempis- How did you get here then?

Flea: My dad sent me! (looks very proud)

In the end, the only convocation photos I have are with the Flea and his brothers in Section 7, with motorcycles in the background. -seethes-

Note the motorcycle wheel

Motorcycle Models.

Wanna Suck Daniel Craig?

2009-06-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

I want one of these!!! It'll be the closest I'll ever get to sucking Daniel Craig!!!

The Book of Law

2009-05-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

Imran and I want to write a book.

He wants it to be titled "Basic fundamental laws and how to read law for laymen"

I prefer a catchier title. Try "THE BOOK OF LAW"

Our mission:

To write a book and sit back as it becomes a best seller and royalty cheques come in.

This is basically what we discussed about the book:

11:07pmSheba

i want my photo on the front page!!!

11:08pmImran

I'll take the back

11:08pmSheba

we can have 8 full colour pages of us camwhoring in the middle!

I wanted to stick to the plan but then I noticed that the title appeared on the front cover.

This meant less photo space for me!

Imran gets the whole back cover for himself!!!

Anyways, in the interest of justice and fairness, this is what I came up with.

People, buy the book.

My Voyeuristic Encounter

2009-05-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

Trespassed on a private resort beach today with the brothers. We had our story all planned out. We were working with the Church of God (saw their van parked in front of the lobby) and we were staying at Chalet 417 (There really WAS a chalet 417. I saw it on the map of the resort)

As my brothers and I were playing in the sea, we saw this group of old sunburnt angmoh tourists. As I stared at them in curiosity, I saw the fattest oldest woman among the tourists remove her shirt.

She then UNHOOKED her BRA and took it off!!!

My brothers and I watched in horror as she turned around and showed us her massively sunburnt saggy boobs!!!

That was probably the first and last time I'll ever watch live porn with my brothers.

One old saggy sunburnt angmoh lady should have been enough voyeuristic experience for me for one day. Or so I thought.

When I went into the changing room, I almost walked smack into another sunburnt angmoh taking off her bikini bottom in the hallway.

Repeat: bikini BOTTOM.

If you ask why she wasn't taking the top off, the answer was simple.

It was ALREADY OFF!!!

Am completely traumatised for life. Voyeurism is SO not for me.

Dead Handphone

2009-05-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

My handphone seems to have died.

Am very sad.

Am now using a handphone which only lasts for 7 hours with a fully charged battery.

Is this Karma for blogging about the airport farting lady?

Mission Terminate Cricket From Hell

2009-05-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

I killed a monstrous cricket! Hah!

This giant cricket came into my room at night and climbed onto my bed.

Thing is, I'm a proclaimed celibate and nobody is allowed in my bed when I'm in it. (The bed in Kuching, anyway)

I screamed and the cricket miraculously fell to the ground.

I then did the most logical thing a girl could do... Grab the nearest Dragon Ball Comic Book and drop it on it.

Then I realised that Dragon Ball Comics are not very heavy. So I dropped a Reader's Digest on it to add to the effect.

Just in case the combined weight of the Dragon Ball Comic and the Reader's Digest was not heavy enough to kill the Cricket From Hell, I dropped another Reader's Digest and a Doraemon Comic on it.

The results?

Cricket From Hell sent back to Hell.

Mission Accomplished.

Just a Typical Sunday?

2009-05-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up late this morning, only to be left behind by my family. So I had to drive to church alone this morning.

As I was driving, I saw this jam of cars all turning right. I drove on, going "HAHA!" at the cars that were caught in the jam. Then I realised.. "HEY! I was supposed to turn right there!"

Anyways, I was late to church by 1 minute. As I parked my car, I saw 3 dogs going at it. It was literal doggy style porn.

I wanted to snap a photo and post it on this blog but then I realised that that would make me like Yon.

Then when I went into the church, I saw the piano player in the church wearing the exact same dress that I owned. And when I pointed out that the dress looked better on me to my mom, she said "Ya, it looks better on you. She's too thin."

Is she implying that I'm fat????

Not Very Smart Me

2009-05-23T04:27:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'm very smart.

I tried washing my clothes the other day.

This is what happened when I poured the water out.

No need to say what happened to the white clothes in the bucket.

I also tried microwaving a donut the other day.

This is what happened.

It ended up really hard and the sugar caramelised on top of the donut.

And then yesterday, I couldn't figure out how to turn on the TV.

This was what happened after my brother came to the rescue. Apparently it needs 11A1s in SPM to turn on the TV.

I seriously think I'm growing stupider by the day.

Dayak-BM Confusion

2009-05-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

This is why Bidayuhs are not very proficient in Malay.

Guess what this is?

You thought Persimmon?

WRONG.

It's a Terung Dayak. (Dayak Eggplant)

Compare that to a REAL eggplant.

To Bidayuhs, this is not an eggplant. It's just a weirdly shaped purple fruit.

What about this?

It's not a tapioca.

It's a.....

Dayak Cucumber.

Seriously.

This is also another weirdly shaped fruit in the Bidayuh Vocabulary.

And you ask why I got B for my SPM BM.

Yon, the Perv

2009-05-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

Have sex between huge boulders

Couples having sex between huge boulders at the beaches of Teluk Cempedak and Teluk Tongkang in Kuantan, Pahang, have raised the ire of visitors and nearby residents, wrote Harian Metro.

A businessman known as Yon, 40, said he often bumped into couples behaving indecently in public. Yon alleged that he had also captured a couple making love on his phone camera.

He said he photographed them having sex between two boulders at about 3pm recently when he was jogging near the beach.

Yon said he recorded four video clips which lasted seven minutes of the couple having sex so that he could show it to the authorities.

Before this, Harian Metro had reported that the beaches of Teluk Cempedak and Teluk Tongkang were a firm favourites with kaki skodeng (peeping Toms) who enjoy a free show of teenagers making love.

Is it just me or is Yon a perv?

I mean, hello? If you come across people having sex, you don't start recording videos!

OK, even if you do, how the heck do you video seven minutes of them having sex?

That SEVEN MINUTES! That's 420 seconds of watching a live porn video! That's 419 seconds longer than Yon,being a self-righteous teeto-telling pervert, should have watched them.

Besides, Yon, who are you kidding by saying you'll show it to the authorities?

I'm sure you'll show it... after you've inspected the video over and over again. (probably with tissues and lotion handy)

And seriously, who the hell goes jogging on the beach at 3 pm?

Yon, just admit that you're a pervert. Just don't act self righteous about it. Embrace your inner perv and go download porn. Leave those poor innocent fornicators alone.

Bengang....

2009-05-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

I am SO irritated!

I arrived at the airport early so I decided to treat myself to Coffee Bean. RM15 spent, but it was put to good use. (Drink + free internet + free electricity. Totally worth it!)

I then left to check in. Finished my delicious RM15 drink in one go and left.

When I arrived at the check in counter, the lady there told me "Your flight is at 5.00pm"

Which was weird because just 15 minutes ago, I checked the flight departure board which said "AK5210, KL- Kch 15.25 hrs"

As far as I'm concerned, 15.25 hrs does not equal to 5.00pm.

The bloody flight was delayed!!!!

-BENGANG-
(a word I learned from Qila)

Now, thanks to Airasia, I am at a higher risk of contracting swine flu because of my extended stay at the airport.

And because of the recent renovation at LCCT, all my usual electricity plugs are now hidden. So I'm spending an extra RM10 on a Esprit drink which I don't even like so I can hang out at Coffee Bean an extra 2 hours longer than I should.

Am SO not in a good mood right now.

The two salespeople who attempted to elicit donations from me found that out. Told them very nicely that I was in a bad mood cos my flight was delayed.

It was nice of them to leave me alone after that.

AIRASIA SUCKS!!!!

P/S: After I left the check in counter, I received this SMS. It read:

URGENT!!! Airasia flt AK5210 from K. Lumpur to Kuching on 20 May 2009 is now CANCELLED & MOVED to AK5214 at 5.00pm (17.00 hrs)

The least they could've done was to send me that message BEFORE I finished up my first Coffee Bean drink!

Loneliness in Coffee Bean

2009-05-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hate being in Coffee Bean alone.

I mean sure, it's the most fashionable place to be alone, with ur cup of coffee and your laptop on, making full use of the free internet.

But what happens if you suddenly have to pee?

You can't just leave your half-finished coffee here.. they might clear it up!

You can't take it with you to the toilet.. coffee is porous. It might absorb the stench of the toilet.

So what do you do?

Btw, I was sitting behind this lady when I heard a pooottt! She then looked left, looked right, and then continued looking in front.

No prizes if you can guess what just happened.

Selsema Babi!!!

2009-05-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

I'm flying back to Kuching today and I know, even if it's just a domestic flight, I'm still a bit worried about catching swine flu.

I contemplated wearing a face mask to the airport today.

I mean, it does help minimise my inhalation of germs and viruses and would probably hide the bruise on my face. (Damn you Evil Banana!)

Decided to ask Pa whether I should.

He answered "Why? Is that the fashion?"

He obviously did not see today's Star with the pictures of Ministers wearing face masks.

And face masks ARE fashionable.

The pink one looks more like a panty than a face mask

Anyways, I decided against it.

Not because of it being unfashionable but because I was so late to the airport, I couldn't stop by to buy one.

If I do catch the swine flu after this, don't blame the Pigs.

After all, they're just SO cute!!!!

Banana Me

2009-05-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm now turning yellow.

It's a conspiracy by the Evil Banana to turn me into a Banana.

Conspiracy 1 was to drown everyone in the ocean.

My only wish is that I be cooked into a goreng pisang.

Or a banana split.

What Happened in PD stays in PD (Part 1)

2009-05-18T02:18:00.000-07:00

PD was SO great! It was SO great that I think about it everytime I look into the mirror. (I know, the bruise reminds me of that but STILL!)

The going was a bit rough. Thing is, when you say 12 pm to Malaysians, it inevitably means a chronicle of "On The Way!" and "5 minutes!!!" Poor Alia, who arrived the earliest (12 pm cun! Her Malaysian citizenship should be revoked!) had to wait an hour for the rest of us.

Nasrul controlling his machoness

When we were finally ON THE WAY (for real, this time) we checked into the apartment.

Note the sunblock on the table. My attempt at being proactive.

We proceeded with a game of cards and then celebrated Ieda's birthday.

The sweet girl actually said "None of my friends have ever celebrated my birthday with me.."

AWWW!!!

We had a barbeque later that night. We trespassed into a private beach and attempted to barbeque in the dark.

This is what happened:
1. Nasrul wanted to light a bonfire but he was attacked by ants when he tried to collect fuel.

2. We realised we didn't have enough charcoal because this smart girl here had no idea how much charcoal was enough.

Imran moaning in frustration

3. While waiting for the fire to light, we fondled Balqish.

4. Balqish was so happy we fondled her, she made us all jump for joy!

5. When the food was finally cooked, Imran had the first piece while everyone stared at the chicken hungrily.

Nasrul and Alia looking hungrily..

6. We then snapped photos of ourselves.

7. We fondled Balqish some more...

8. Ieda was so happy that we did, that she jumped for joy!

9. Azreen and Ieda then had an L moment! (The L relationship is gaining popularity!)

10. I got jealous so I decided to entice my own L partner!

11. All I attracted was a giant butt!

12. Later that night, I cheated on Balqish.. (Sorry, L partner!)

13. I cheated on Balqish again...

Later that night, we went for Karaoke in the Resort's Karaoke Lounge. Turned out, the Karaoke Lounge was the same thing as a Disco Lounge.

We literally had to fight for the mike with the playing band. (Some Phillipines Band called Pure Hearts)

In the end, only Nasrul prevailed.

The End of Part 1.

Brinjal Me

2009-05-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

Not wanting to look like a brinjal with half my face purple, I decided to google bruises to understand them more.

I found an article on Wikipedia about bruises.

This is what I found:
1. A bruise is usually caused by blunt impact.
(Meaning that Nasrul's head is blunt. Ergo, Nasrul is hard-headed. Mwhahahah..)

2.More prominent in fair complexion.
(Yay! So I should take this bruise as a compliment! I'm the fairest of them all...)

3. More bruising in females due to laxity and sub-cutaneous fat.
(WTF???? I bruise because I'm FAT???)

4. In old age, skin and tissues are more laxed, so more bruising.
(So not only am I fat, I'm also OLD????)

So if there's anything this bruise has shown me, it's that I'm a fair, fat old woman.

Sure beats being a brinjal.

Brinjal me.

My Evil Banana

2009-05-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

Banana Boats are EVIL. (Emphasis on the EVIL part.)

My class and I went to Port Dickson on a trip and we decided to literally ride a banana. (Ooh.. sounds dirty!)

The banana looks more like a pencil than a banana. Hmm...

Anyhows, we all climbed aboard a giant banana and squealed in delight. (The feeling of 7 girls and 2 guys riding one banana is very exhilarating)

As easy as it seems to ride a banana, one cannot underestimate the lack of common sense in a lawyers.

You see, common physics would dictate that a weight on a boat needs to be equally balanced so the boat will not capsize or something like that. (Nasrul said something to that effect and I'm merely vomiting it back out here)

So the question is: How many lawyers does it take to capsize a banana?

Answer: 9!

Our banana was so unequally balanced that we capsized it without the boatman even trying!

Seriously, it was as if we were sitting on a banana from the lightest to the heaviest.

The shortest one is Balqish. Not me.

Oh, and when the boat turned right, we moved our bodies right.

And so,

SPLASH!!!!

As I fell in the water, something hard hit my face. My cheekbone felt as if it was split open.

As I emerged, I saw Nasrul emerging from the water rubbing his head.

I put two and two together and realised that my cheekbone had hit Nasrul's head.

And then I realised that my cheekbone really hurt.

Me wondering if foundation could hide bruises...

Damn...

The aftermath of the accident was this:

I should start an NGO supporting victims of Banana Abuse.

You see, this is what happens if a Banana decides to screw you.

Since my cheek is purple, I am now a brinjal, not a Tomato.

Dillon's Just Not That Into You

2009-05-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

A true story by Dillon Baret Redit.

One time, a girl messaged me. I wanted to reply back. I messaged her... ONE MONTH LATER.

Moral of the story?
Dillon's Just Not That Into Her.

Ugga Shaka!

2009-05-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

I was watching Ally McBeal when I saw her hallucinate about the Dancing Baby going Ugga Shaka Ugga Shaka!

It reminded me of when I had just finished my SPM examinations.

Zim and I were supposed to have an Ugga Shaka Party!

The plan was supposed to go like this:

1. Dress up like this:

I wonder if Coconuts do come in 34c?

2. Build a giant bonfire. The bigger the better. (Aim: To create enough smog so it will blow towards the Indonesian border. Let them have haze from our side!)

3. Throw all SPM books in. Must also throw Add Maths books while screaming "SALAH!" ala Mr. Lim. Also attempt to throw Angel in.

It is necessary for the Ugga Shaka song to be sung while throwing in the books.

4. Run from the police when they come to arrest us for Open Burning.

-sigh- The Party never came into being namely because we were afraid of step 4. (Zim and I have a very low running speed. Am slower than her, which is a lot to say because she's the one we call Turtle.)

Fast forward to 5 years later and I'm finally ending my life as a student. Wonder if there'll be an actual Ugga Shaka this time round?

Anyone up for it?

Player!!!! Girl....

2009-05-03T00:08:00.000-07:00

I was reading today's Star and I came across this letter in the advice column.

This is what happened in summary:

Guy meets girl. Guy wants to impress Girl by speaking English. So Guy wants to tell Girl that she is friendly and sociable. So Guy tells Girl that she is a PLAYER.

Moral of the story?

Always check up meanings of words you don't know before you use them.

Japanese Me

2009-04-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm on Facebook in Japanese!!!!

Coolies!!!

IQ cheat!

2009-04-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

I saw all these IQ tests on Facebook.

Decided to test how smart I was.

Spent a good 30 minutes trying to figure out patterns and what is one eighth of one half of 20000 or something like that.

When I was finally done, I was pressed the FIND OUT HOW SMART YOU ARE? button.

This screen popped out:

I was smart. I did NOT text ON IQ and send it to 36181. I may have wasted 30 minutes of my life but I'll be damned if I waste another RM3 to prove my already proven intelligence.

Blame Eve!

2009-04-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

The Flea pointed out the other day that I never took the blame for anything. I would always try to blame someone else before blaming myself.

Anyhows, it got me thinking. Why do I never take the blame?

Then it hit me.

I'm a WOMAN!!!

No, seriously, I really am. You see, I'm descended from Eve.

My great-great-great-great-great-great (x1000000000000000) grandparents

The Bible says this in summary:
1. Eve listened to the Serpent and ate the Fruit of the Forbidden Tree.
2. When Adam came, Eve convinced him to eat the Fruit too. (Men are so gullible!)
3. After they ate the Fruit, they realised they were naked and hid in the bushes.
4. God came and asked them what happened.
5. Adam admitted that he ate the fruit and that Eve had told him to do so.
6. Eve said "The Serpent tricked me into it."

See???? Even from the beginning of time, Eve had passed the blame to the Serpent. She would not admit the blame for making Adam eat the Apple!!!

The Desperate Housewives only have Eve to blame for being desperate...

This just proves that it's a woman's nature to pass on the blame.

You can't blame me for not wanting to take the blame.

Blame Eve!

Sheba the Football Fan

2009-04-24T01:22:00.001-07:00

I was reading on Angel's blog that Manchester United always loses when she's watching their games.

Angel's failure at being Man U's guardian angel gave me a brilliant idea.

You see a looonggg time ago,I pretended I was interested in football to attract a guy.

I even memorised a quote from Angel when trying to impress the guy. (Quote: "Yes, I think Man U is going to win the Cup but let's hope Chelsea doesn't catch up." And that was when I realised that Chelsea was a football club, and not a girl. Which is good since I imagined a girl named Chelsea chasing the whole Man U team around.)

Anyhows, I traded that football interest for a badminton interest since the Flea is totally into stroking feathery cocks. I can now tell when a (shuttle)cock is in or out.

Back to the brilliant idea. With the revelation of Angel's post, I have come up with a plan.

I shall name it:

PROJECT MAKE SHEBA A SPORTY BIMBO

Objective: To change the public perception (ergo my reputation) from me not knowing anything about sports to me knowing something about sports.

Plan:
1. Figure out when the next Man U match is.
2. Tell Angel to watch that match.
3. Go to the nearest mamak stall.
4. Scream out, "Man U is going to lose tonight!!!"
5. Avoid the cans and plates that are thrown in my direction.
6. Watch in satisfaction as Man U loses.
7. Wait for everyone to congratulate me and say "Wow, Sheba, I did not know you knew so much about football."

TADAAAA!!!! Perception about Sheba changed!

P/S: I do not bear a grudge against Man U or any other football club. I don't know enough about the game to decide whether I like the club or not. If you are a Man U fan and are offended, you can replace the words "Man U" with the name of any other football club you really hate.

Me thiN Gumis

2009-04-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Was in MNG. Saw a pair of shorts I really liked. And so I took them in my usual size to try on.

Was like this except in a royal blue.

My beloved boyfriend, seeing me taking those shorts, said very tactfully "Sayang,I think those shorts are too big. You should try them in a smaller size"

Being ever positive that I was now thinner (and taller) due to 3 days of running I had been doing, I decided to try the shorts in one size smaller.

I went into the fitting room.

This is probably what the salesgirl outside heard coming from my cubicle.

Oomph! Shite! Owh! Damn! Why do they make these g-damn shorts so tight? Oof! Okay.. I can do this! Yay! Buttoned up!

(The Flea says I cuss too much. It shall be my 2010 resolution to resolve that.)

When I walked out of that cubicle, I was not Sheba.

I was Sheba who had a muffin top and (what's the opposite of a muffin top? Where your flab spills out from the bottom of the shorts cos the shorts were too tight. Oh well, let's call it muffin bottom) a muffin bottom coming out of the shorts.

Anyhow, the evil Flea had the nerve to look at me and shake his head!!!!

At that moment in time, I would have taken my shoe and tossed it at his head. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the fact that his paycheck would come in 3 days time!

You see, the Flea had just committed the most atrocious crime EVER. He had implied that his girlfriend was FAT!!!!

Let's see how fat he'll be after he's done with that delicious soft serve ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. Mmm.. Am hungry...

First, he says that my usual size is too big.

Next, he did not even bother to lie to me and tell me I looked great in those too tight shorts! I mean, isn't it every man's dream to see their girlfriends in too tight outfits?

MEN!!!

Later, he had the nerve to ask me if he did anything wrong!

You see, we have two scenarios. One that happened and one that could've happened.

Scenario 1: The Flea tells me that my usual size is too big and fools me into thinking I'm thinner than usual. I try on a smaller size. I come out looking like a lump of fat. Am in a bad mood for the rest of the evening because am not thin. Am fat. And look fat.

Scenario 2: The Flea lets me try on my usual size. It fits perfectly. I love it. I give him puppy dog looks. He gives in. We walk to the counter. He pays... oh.

Hmm.. come to think of it, the Flea is smarter than I give him credit for. Well I hope he's happy with the RM70 he saved!

These puppy dog eyes are coming out once the paycheck is in! Mwahaha!

P/S: If you note the title of this post, the big letters all spell MNG! I feel smart...

My Legs Hurt

2009-04-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here alone up in my room.

There's a bottle of Yoko Yoko next to me.

My legs are eff-ing cramped!!!!

I figured the reason why my legs are cramped is because I'm growing taller.

You see my bones are elongating and my muscles have to expand to keep up with the growth. Hence the pain.

Before you scoff, let me remind you that I am a law student. Whatever I say is corroborated with solid scientific evidence.

Proof that I am growing taller:

My dress is a good 2 inches shorter than it should be. Hah!

But then again, only one leg is cramped. The other stopped hurting.

Does that mean I am only growing taller in one leg?

Damn..

Maybe I should just admit to the fact that I went running for 3 days in a row for the first time in 6 months and my muscles are in post-traumatic stress disorder.

Tomato Me

2009-04-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

I had a very ridiculous exam yesterday (BM-English Translation and vice versa). Anyhow, in my zeal in preparing for that exam, I forgot to use my blusher (which, incidentally is pemerah pipi in Malay, according to Huda and Syeela.)

When I came into the class later, I passed by Mont.

He looked at me.

2 seconds later, he was still looking.

5 seconds later, he was STILL looking.

The look was similar to this

Although I would like to believe that he was still looking at me because he was basking in my beauty, we both knew it wasn't true because:
a. He has a girlfriend.
b. After spending one year together in a cramped office, I would be as beautiful as a frog in a bikini to him.

Wondering what he was staring at, I leaned over and asked him what he was looking at.

He asked, and I quote: "Why isn't your face red today?"

Seriously, how do you reply to a question like that????

I was going to laugh it off as a typical Mont joke when I realised that:
a. Mont doesn't make typical jokes like that!
b. There HAVE been pictures where I look red and drunk.

I was not drunk, I was hot. Literally.

It then occurred to me that maybe I've been living life with too much blusher on.

Maybe, I'm a walking tomato.

Took me a whole day to figure out how to do this!

To make myself feel better, I asked another classmate of mine whether I usually look red.

He said yes.

Damn.

And so I asked, "What sort of red?"

He leaned over and pinched my cheek!!!! "That sort of red"

YAY!!!! That one painful act of pinching my cheek signified that I am not a drunk tomato-like frog in bikini!

I am instead a girl who walks around with cheeks that look like they have just been abused!

But to be on the safe side, I'm reducing my blusher usage. But then again, if I'm too pale, I might end up looking like this:

Pre-Dazrin Alia as a dead body.

P/S: If my blusher is pink instead of red, will it be called "Pemerah-jambu pipi? Just a thought.

Most DISGUSTING photo I ever saw

2009-04-22T04:43:00.001-07:00

This is without a doubt the most disgusting photo I've seen.

Seen on Cracked.com

My Happy Muffin

2009-04-22T03:10:00.000-07:00

When I went out for lunch today, I was in a happy mood. My tummy wasn't THAT hungry. Anyways, I ordered chicken rice just to show that I was eating. I mean, if people can be social smokers, why can't I be a social eater, right?

Anyways, I ate 2 spoons of the chicken rice and finished the chicken. These are the conversations that followed:

Imran: Sheebs, is that all you're eating?
Me: Yes, I'm on a diet.

Ewa: Sheba, you makan tu je? (Translated: Sheba, is that all you're eating?)
Me: Yes, I'm on a diet! I wanna be thin! -lifts pinky finger- This is how thin I'll be in a month's time.

Nasrul: Sheba, is that all you're eating?
Me: (even prouder) Yes! I'm just not hungry!

Kak Ela/Eja/whatever her name is who works in the food store: Eh, tu je awak makan? Kenapa? Tak sedap ke? (Translated: Is that all you're eating? Why? Isn't the chicken rice that I made lovingly for you with my own sweat and tears deliciously edible?)
Me: Yela Kak... I nak diet. (Translated: I wanna be thin thin thin!!!!)

After bragging happily, Imran and I went to catch a movie. After the movie, (which was a mere 3 hours after lunch) we passed by a Kenny Roger's restaurant.

Until today I still blame Imran for ruining my diet.

He said "Sheebs, look at those muffins!"

Me: Huh?

Imran: Sheebs.. there's smoke coming out of the muffins!

Me: -imagines warm delicious Kenny Rogers vanilla muffin melting in my mouth-

Imran: Oh well...

Me: Immm....

Imran: Err... You're on a diet.

Me: -not listening because my ears were stuffed with imaginary muffins-

In the heat of passion, I grabbed Imran off the escalator and dragged him to the Kenny Rogers store where the both of us were rewarded with a sinfully delicious mouthful of Kenny Rogers muffin.

(For the record, we were cheated because the muffin wasn't even hot. The smoke was an advertising gimmick!)

Photo credit to sweetrunway

Yummy yummy in my tummy!!!!

So much for bragging to everyone that I was on a diet.

Sheba in the Civil Mock Trial

2009-04-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll make a very good litigation lawyer. Although my friends insist I'm scary when I cross-examine (which I don't know is a good thing or a bad thing), I still don't think I'm very good at it.

This is a chronicle of what I experienced during mock trial.

9.45 am.- Witness is called up to the stand and plaintiffs begin examination-in-chief. Take notes to make self look important.

9.50 am.- Hmm... Plaintiff's witness is talking too fast. Can't keep up with taking of notes.

9.51 am. - Start doodling on piece of paper. Drew a thumbs up.

9.52 am- Thumbs Up doesn't really look like a thumbs up.

9.53 am- Actually, Thumbs Up looks like a hand stroking a.... Hmm...

I am a very bad artist.

9.54 am- Wonder if it's considered contempt of court for drawing unintentionally sexually explicit pictures in a mock trial.

9.56 am- Decidedly bored.

10.00 am- Ooh.. Cross Examination time! Time to cross!

10.01 am- Asked questions. Feel very smart. Turn around to smile at co-counsels. Hang on.. Witness is still talking. I want a Yes or No answer! Damn! What to do?

10.02 am- Screams out - MR. TAN! I WANTED A YES OR NO ANSWER!

10.03 am- Hmm.. think that was a bit unconventional. But hey, he stopped talking!

10.04 am- Asked another question. Mr. Tan says "I don't understand. Can you repeat the question?"

10.05 am- Realise that I forgot what the question was. Damn!

10.05 and a half am- Think Sheba think! What the heck was the question?

10.06 am- Ahah! Think I remember the question. -asks the question. Mr. Tan answers- Phew! Good save!

10.07am- Hang on.. that was NOT the question I meant to ask. Damn....

10.08 am- Finish up questions I meant to ask. Yay! Cross-examination over! Can sit down now!

10.10 am- Hungry now. When can we finish?

12 pm- Finished! Yay!!! Time to go home!!

And that pretty much sums up why I should not be a litigation lawyer.

My Happy Meal

2009-04-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

I had a Happy Meal at McDonalds. They gave me...

A BLUE PENIS!

Very Child Friendly.

Oh, and I found a Nips that looked like a butt.

I have a very dirty mind :P

My Happy Night

2009-04-18T00:13:00.000-07:00

I had the happiest night in a long time! Class was postponed last night and so I seized the opportunity to go out with the Flea.

We went to Cineleisure and caught the movie He's Just Not That Into You.

-Spoilers ahead. Highlight to read-

Found that the movie contradicted the title. In the beginning, a very cute Alex (Justin Long) told a very kampung looking Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) that she was the rule, not the exception. The ending, where Alex got together with Gigi, kind of defeated the purpose because it just ended up proving that Gigi was HIS exception.

Ummm... isn't that contradicting the entire purpose of the show ie. that women are the RULE and not the exception?

Anyhows, I didn't really care cos I was high on soft serve ice cream with Rainbow Sprinkles. Bought it from next to Cineleisure. RM2.50 only!!! How can it not make a girl happy???

There was more but I got to the ice cream first

Take Ice Cream + Reasonably Good Movie + Hot Boyfriend + Bradley Cooper = A VERY HAPPY SHEBA

Yummier than Rainbow Sprinkled Ice Cream

And then The Flea attempted to steal my Ice Cream. Hmpfh.

Left: Me. Right: Ice Cream stealing Flea

The End. This was a very pointless blog.

The Outcome of the Conversation with Ma

2009-04-14T04:05:00.000-07:00

I had almost forgotten about the conversation with Ma regarding the stupid movie she watched. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never find out the name of the movie she watched.

I was out with Imran yesterday when I related that story to him. He became excited and said Yeah yeah! I watched that movie! It was so stupid I switched the channel!"

Turned out the show was so stupid, he didn't bother learning the name of the show.

*sigh*

Anyways, I decided to be proactive. *winks*

I did research. I went to the websites of the 3 movie channels on Astro. Then I went through every single movie they showed this month.

And then, it was EUREKA!

I found the movie on Cinemax.

It was called...

OPEN WATER 2: ADRIFT!!!!

Whee!!!! (said in the least annoying way possible)

The movie's sypnosis was exactly as my mom said it was.

However, it managed to obtain 50% on Rotten Tomatoes. Makes you wonder if Rotten Tomatoes is really trustworthy.

This other website reviewed it as this:

This was the worst film I have even seen

I am now SO tempted to watch this movie for its stupidity.

Steamboat with the Flea

2009-04-14T03:03:00.000-07:00

I went for steamboat at this place called Damansara Steamboat with the Flea the other night. We ordered the set steamboat which consisted of seafood and balls.

In Imran's words: Balls....

As we sat down for steamboat, we realised that, horror of horrors, we had no idea how to cook steamboat.

Don't get me wrong. Its not my first time eating steamboat. Problem is, other people usually cook it for me.

Besides, steamboat is not as easy as throwing things in the pot. It's so complicated, the restaurant even supplied an "Always " and "Do Not" guide on how to cook steamboat.

Steamboat 201:The Always and Do Not Guide

It wasn't much help. This is an example of what it said:

"Do NOT overcook the sea food." How the heck do I know if the sea food is cooked, undercooked or overcooked?

"Clams are cooked when they pop open. Overcooked clams taste like old tennis shoes" I've never tasted an old tennis shoe in my life! How would I know if it tastes like an overcooked clam is?And does a perfectly cooked clam taste like a new tennis shoe?

I was instinctively going to whine and complain and blame the Flea for not knowing for to cook steamboat but then I decided to be proactive, innovative and something else-tive.

I came up with a solution. Even better, I came up with a LIST of solutions.

Sheba's List of Solutions on How to Cook Steamboat.

1. Eat the seafood raw and drink the soup.
2. Throw everything in and hope it tastes like new tennis shoes.
3. Call my dad and ask how to cook it.
4. Leave and buy food that is actually cooked.

We chose option 3. The conversation went like this:
Me: Pa, how to we cook steamboat?
Pa: Throw everything in.
Me: Err...
Pa: Cook the things that take the longest to cook first.
Me: Meaning... the fishballs?
Pa: Seafoodlah!
Me: But... (looks at the ALWAYS guide that states that seafood should be cooked last)
Pa: OK? I'm busy now.
Me: But... (In a moral dilemma whether to be a filial child and follow my father's instructions or to read the ALWAYS guide which had to be written by a steamboat expert)
Pa: Bye. Good night.

The Flea and I decided then to cook the seafood first. Reason? If we cooked it later, we might be too full to eat it.

Me: Yang, put the prawns in first.
The Flea: ARRRRGGGGHGHHHHHH!!!! (Screams in a manner not unlike a little girl being chased by a werewolf)

The next few minutes were spent in a flurry of confusion. Waiters ran to our table, I was laughing non-stop and the Flea tried to regain as much manliness as he could. (His balls probably shrank to the size of a grape)

Apparently, the prawn the Flea picked up was alive and had JUMPED when he picked it up.

My supposedly macho boyfriend is scared of a PRAWN!!!!

Zombie Prawn

The manager came over and offered to cook the prawn for us. (I think he was sarcastic)

I think the Flea's balls grew two sizes smaller that day.

We ended up cooking the prawn and the Flea swears that its the yummiest sweetest prawn he's ever tasted. Just proves that Revenge is Sweet.

Per Curiam: Flowers bought for me by the Flea. :D

Cheerleading

2009-04-07T03:06:00.001-07:00

You know how cheerleaders are usually hot?

Well, I am living proof that I am not one of them.

This is me cheerleading last year.

This is me cheerleading this year.

The one on the very right. Urggh. Even I wouldn't do me.

I should be forever banned from cheerleading.

Conversation with Ma

2009-04-07T01:54:00.000-07:00

-phone rings-

Me: Hello?

Ma: SHEEE!!!! I just watched the stupidest movie ever!

Me: Huh?

Ma: It's so stupid!!!

Me: -realises that when my mom says a movie is stupid, it must really be stupid. This is the same woman who is addicted to a Chinese Drama Series named "Crazy Chinese Woman"-

Ma: You know what happened? These rich people were on a boat on a vacation. They jumped into the sea. Then they didn't know how to get back up on the boat.

Me: Really?

Ma: Ya!!! And there was no ladder or anything! And so they died.

Me: Thats it?

Ma: Ya lor!! Stupid movie!!!

Even without watching that movie, I can sense that that movie is probably stupider than The Unborn.

Snickers

2009-04-07T01:35:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Star when I came across this article:

Old Man's Penis Is Stuck In Bottle and Causes His Death

Actually, the real title in the newspaper omits the word Penis. It makes a lot of sense, really, because if an innocent child were to read the newspaper and see the word Penis and Bottle together, his parents would have a lot of answering to do.

The article made me wonder: How enjoyable can it really be to do it with a bottle?

Seriously. A bottle.

If you DO do it with a bottle, how do you determine what sort of bottle to do it with?

If you feel like doing it with something High Class, would you do it with a Jean Paul Gaultier Limited Edition Evian "Pret-a-Porter" Bottle?

Oozing High Class Sex...

Or if you feel like slumming it, will a normal 'kicap' bottle do?

Lining up for you to take your pick

Or maybe if you're feeling homey, would you do it with a simple Tupperware bottle?

For the extra well-endowed.

Sigh.. Times like these make you wonder, what's wrong with a simple squid?

Pizza Nightmare

2009-04-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

I was with The Boyfriend in Tesco Shah Alam the other night. Our sole purpose: Pizza.

We went to the Pizza Hut there and sat down. We ordered:
1. The power meal inclusive of breadstix, stuffed crust pizza, soup and Pepsi.
2. An extra personal pizza (The Boyfriend wasn't sure if he would be full)
3. Cheese baked meatballs.

I should have seen the warning signs. The supervisor who waited on us, a Miss Noraini (who had waaayyyy too much makeup on) told us that we could not switch the breadsticks to garlic bread because they ran out.

Oh well, I thought. Breadsticks aren't that awful.

WRONG.

When the breadsticks came, they were flat. Flatter than my chest when I was 7. And they looked severely undercooked. And cold.

And so I waved my arm around for service.

Nothing happened.

Waved it around some more.

This innocent looking trainee came up. I told him the breadsticks were undercooked. And so he sent it back to the kitchen.

I then waited for another 10 minutes. Our soup had come. Problem is, it wasn't soup. It was lukewarm water with some powdered soup mix in it. The soup mix had clumped together mournfully at the bottom of the bowl.

The Boyfriend suggested we just ingest it and wait for the Pizza, which was bound to be better.

Or so we thought. Halfway through ingesting the coagulated soup mix, the breadsticks came.

They were still flat. On one side, at least. On the bright side, it was slightly warmer than before. And the breadsticks now looked like a doorstopper.

The Boyfriend said "I don't think its so bad now." He took a bite. And spat it out.

I was getting pretty pissed. I raised my hand for service. Nothing.

I then picked up the breadsticks, walked up to that bloody supervisor who served us, and told her her breadsticks were not cooked.

She responded in silence. No apologies, no nothing.

I glared at her and told her to send it back to the kitchen.

10 minutes later, the most perfect set of breadsticks came to my table. They were fluffy, piping hot, and WHITE. And the table next to me got the half flat breadsticks I had sent back. LOLZ.

Anyhow, we waited for both pizzas. They came. Except the stuffed crust pizza wasn't stuffed crust. And the personal pizza was burnt.

I sent the stuffed crust pizza back while The Boyfriend ate the personal pizza. (sometimes, he just doesn't care what he eats when he's hungry)

My cheesebaked meatballs came. At least it was consumable.

20 minutes later, the stuffed crust pizza still hadn't arrived. I called the waiter and asked him and he said that it would take much much longer. He suggested we eat the unstuffed crust pizza, which had gotten quite cold by then, while waiting.

That was the stick that broke the camel's back.

I cancelled the order and went to pay.

That biatch of a supervisor was there at the counter. She then asked if we were going to pay ala carte. I told her I was not going to pay ala carte since it would cost so much more than if I had taken a set. She said she would then charge us add on prices.

The bill came up to a whopping RM30!!! For a small pizza, some meatballs and drinks and soup!!!!

I was flabbergasted. And that woman had the nerve to tell me, I would have had to pay RM45 if she didn't charge me the add on price. BITCH!

I told her to her face that her service was horrible and it was over expensive. And that if I had taken the set, it would more worth it. And that the cancellation was THEIR fault.

She stared at me silently AGAIN. No apologies, no nothing. A look of stubborn stupidity spread over her heavily made up face.

I was SOO pissed. I wanted to make a scene but The Boyfriend held me back and dragged me out.

Anyhows, my pissed self went home, opened the Pizza Hut website and lodged a complaint.

The area manager then called me up and offered me a free meal. Yay!!!

I hope he fired that bitch's ass too.

Forensics!!!

2008-11-27T21:34:00.000-08:00

I was going through the pictures of the Mumbai Massacre when I came across this very disturbing picture.

This is a picture of the aftermath of the shooting of two gunmen.

What disturbed me was how the crime scene was handled.

Having undergone a practical course in Forensic Science, I know that a crime scene should be handled it the ugliest clothes possible.

Proper safety equipment should be used, no matter how ugly they seem. (Note the hideous foot plastic bags)

Gloves should also be used. Jeans and black t-shirts are optional.

The men handling the crime scene did not wear ugly foot plastic bags! Where's the fairness in that? I had to wear ugly foot covers covering my Hushpuppies Boots whereas they could show off their footwear!

Proper tags should be used to tag the evidence.

Problem is, we ran out of proper tags. We had to improvise.

We wrote the new tags on the back of the proper tags.

We should have just followed what the Indians did and written the tags in chalk. Makes more sense and saves the environment!

Anyhows, the crime scene was so polluted, I doubt the evidence would have held up in Court. (I'm sure the Judge would agree with me that the not wearing of the ugly foot plastics is fatal to their case.)

But then again the gunmen in question there were dead, so they wouldn't have to worry about their defence.

I think too much.

Photos credit to Apak. :D

The Mumbai Attacks

2008-11-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

The Mumbai Massacre is horrible. It really is. Don't terrorists have anything better to do than kill people?

Anyhows, here's a picture of on of the gunmen involved in the Massacre:

And this is a picture of one of the Indian soldiers.

If put in a hand-on-hand combat, guess who'd win?

Baking Goods

2008-11-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

I baked today with Joann. We were bored and the internet was out.

We picked a big fat chewy cookie recipe. The idea was this:

Double the recipe.

Halve the size of the cookies.

With any luck, we'd have 72 cookies between us.

First batch came out HUGE. As in HUMONGOUS. As in the size of my face humongous.

Proof that the cookie was HUMONGOUS.

It also fell apart when we took it out of the tray. Sad sad.

The first batch of cookies that supposedly fell apart when taken out. Imho, it looks more like it's been eaten.

Second batch was perfect. Round, full.. almost like a real cookie.

I was feeling pretty confident by the time the 3rd batch came around. So confident that I forgot to set the temperature at 165'C.

This is how a cookie looks like when you bake it for 10 minutes at 250'C.

Baked charcoal.

Anyhows, the cookies turned out okay in the end. At least that's what I'd like to think.

I have bad taste in guys

2008-11-25T04:30:00.000-08:00

I seriously have bad taste in men.

I had a thing for Russell Crowe. This is how he looks like now:

I also had a thing for Clay Aiken. This is how he looks like now:

I had a thing for William Quah. He may or may not be gay:

I still have a thing for Viggo Mortensen. And he looks kinda hot in this pic:

Oh yeah.. I seriously have bad taste in men. Poor Fadli.

Its an Odd Odd World

2008-11-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

Interesting things I came across while surfing:

1. A church was stolen. That's right. A CHURCH. The local villagers apparently dismantled the church and sold it, brick by brick.

The Church should consider adding a Commandment 10(A) to the 10 Commandments, below Do Not Steal. It would read like this:

Act 1 (Amendment 2008): Insert Commandment 10 (A) which reads as follows: Thou shall not steal churches.

2. A woman caught her husband cavorting online in Second Life and divorced him. Apparently this woman saw her husband cuddling on a sofa with another avatar and "it looked very affectionate".

(-_-')

Gawd, if that was a crime and Fadli caught me woo-hooing with my Sims online, I would be so screwed.

But then I could argue that since I am God in the Sims 2, I would be controlling both Sims. So I'm cheating on Fadli with myself. :D

But that would mean I'm masturbating. Which I do not do.

Damn.

Anyhows, what's more interesting is lower down on the article.

In Britain last month, a truck driver was sentenced to 14 years in prison for the murder of his estranged wife who he killed after he found out she changed her Facebook status to "single" only days after they split up. Facebook is an online social network although users tend to post real pictures of themselves.

And in Japan, police said last month that a user of the country's popular "Maple Story" Web site — an online adventure game — was so infuriated by her sudden virtual divorce from her online husband that she logged on with his password and killed his digital persona. The woman was jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data.

I am SO thinking twice before I make friends with anyone online. If only I knew this when I was 13 and discovering the use of a chatroom for the first time and when a guy asked me if I wanted to see his cock, I wondered why the heck did he want to show me a picture of his chicken.

3. A Robber attempted to rob a bank and found no money. As he left, he threatened to file a complaint to management.

Smart robber. He knows that everyone has equal rights t, even robbers. Why should he, as a robber, be deprived of his right to rob people? Wouldn't the lack of cash in the bank deprive him of a robber's right to rob the bank?

I can see the Complaint letter now:

Dear Bank Manager,

I have been a faithful robber of this bank so far. However, on my attempted robbery at your bank on the 14th of November, at roughly 8 a.m, your bank tellers told me that they did not have enough money for me to rob them.

Sir,
This violates my constitutional right of equality. I deserve the same rights as other robbers. Why should I be deprived of this right because of your incompetence in keeping your bank full of money?

I am very disappointed in you and your bank. I will choose to rob other banks next time.

Yours truly,
Disappointed Robber

Lawyers Say The Stupidest Things

2008-11-16T09:27:00.000-08:00

Well, lawyers-to-be anyway.

Heard in a mock trial:

(The Defence Counsel while examining the accused): So you were present when you were arrested?

DUH!!!

A Soppy Post for a Soppy Person

2008-11-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

Was just talking to friends about love. The issue: Love makes you do stupid things.

As I was driving home alone, my mind started thinking.

First, I thought about how much I loved asam pedas ikan pari.

Then I thought about how I spent this semester (and last) eating asam pedas ikan pari every weekday for lunch.

It sounds stupid eating stingray every single day for lunch. And still I continue doing so.

I thought about why I loved it so much long and hard.

Then I started thinking about something else that was long and hard.

I thought of Fadli (because he's long and hard-headed.. not because of anything else!)

I realised that I've been in a relationship with him for 3 years now.

In these 3 years, we've been going on knowing that we have no future. That we can never marry.

And yet we still go on.

Why?

Is he so handsome that I can't bear to let him go?

Does he treat me so perfectly in a way that no one else in this world can?

Does he complete me like two pieces of a heart joined as one?

It is all the above and more.

I love that Flea. And yet being in such a purposeless relationship for such a long time seems like such a silly thing to do.

It's like being in a forest.

I can see the forest.

I know that the forest has no shopping malls. No asam pedas ikan pari. No internet.

I know that the forest pisses me off at times by being so damn muddy.

I also know that I can end this all by merely exiting the forest.

And yet I refuse to exit the forest.

I've come to love the forest. I cannot be taken out from it.

The Forest is Fadli and I am entwined in him. I cannot leave him even if it means continuing in this aimless relationship.

I love Fadli.

The Bond Diet

2008-11-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

I love Daniel Craig. I really do. I love him as much as I love my Asam Pedas Pari.

Future Mr. Sheba Gumis

I believe he is God's Gift to women with those fish lips and that hawt hawt body.

He's sent from above as some sort of messiah to remind women that hot men still exist.

Sadly, Daniel Craig (as James Bond anyway) seems only to want to shag thin long legged women.

An example of the kind of woman James Bond would shag

I realised then that I had to lose weight. I would not eat after 8p.m.

If I was thin, then perhaps my legs would somehow magically grow longer too.

Then Daniel Craig will shag me!

Whee!

It was an error-proof plan. I managed to spend the first 2 nights happily without eating after 8 pm.

On the third night, my Facebook status stated:

Sheba is dreaming of Fusilli Carbonara with Meatballs.

Later that night, my Messenger status stated:

Sheba is full and contented.

On the fourth night, I realised that one needs to fail before one can succeed. The diet continued.

On the fifth night, there was a dinner at my aunt's place.

On the sixth night, I decided that there shall be no more failures.

Later on the sixth night, this is the message I sent to at least 3 of my friends:

Things I want to eat:
1. Kenny Rogers Macaroni and Cheese
2. Steamed Fish
3. Buttered Mantis Prawns
4. Asam Pedas Pari
5. Kailan Garlic
6. Dad's Fried Mushrooms

On the seventh day, I had No. 2, 3,5 for lunch.

On the seventh night, I stole a bit from Fadli's Kuehtiaw goreng.

On the Eighth night, I realised that Daniel Craig will never shag me.

Diet Discontinued.

Mamma Mia!

2008-11-11T09:35:00.001-08:00

I'm a very careless spender when I want something I really want.

I've been wanting the Mamma Mia Movie Soundtrack for a very long time. However, I refused to buy the cd in Rock Corner for RM29.90. Why get original when you can get another slightly more compromised cd for only RM7?

Anyhows, I downloaded the Soundtrack off the Net. (Note: Some mp3 downloads on the Internet are legal. Some.) I proceeded to burn it into an empty cd I bought for RM1.50,
Cost so far: RM1.50

After I burned it, I attempted to play it on my car cd player. It couldn't play. Figures.

I decided just to buy the RM7 cd. I went to Uptown and asked at least 3 cd stores for the soundtrack. One said "Mo liao" (meaning don't have in Cantonese). The other said "Sudah habis" (same thing in Malay )The third said "Finish already".

I left amazed at how multilingual Malaysians are.

Refusing to give up, I bought TWO more empty cds and decided to burn the mp3s on the cd again.

Cost: RM3.00

I was going to burn it (really. I had sat in front of the computer and opened Nero and everything) when Fadli said "Yang, lets watch Susuk"

And so I watched Susuk. One thing led to another (it was a boring movie) and we ended up going to Uptown for Kuehtiaw Goreng Kerang.

It was then when I had a stroke of genius. Why not go to ss2 where there are plenty of cd shops to choose from?

And so I went to ss2 and got the same answer in 3 shops (Don't havelah, but we got High School Musical 3 soundtrack) I was so frustrated that I swore to Fadli that if I ever find the Mamma Mia Soundtrack, I'd buy the HSM3 soundtrack out of sheer joy.

In my fourth shop, lo and behold! The cd was there! THE Mamma Mia soundtrack costing rm7 was there! I shrieked and picked it up.

Keeping true to my word, I bought the Mamma Mia CD and the HSM3 cd. Then I realised that if I bought 3 cds, it would only cost RM20. In my utter happiness and sheer joy, I decided to buy another Mamma Mia CD for my parents to enjoy.

Cost: RM20

When I got to the car, I gleefully jumped up and down showing the cds to Fadli. He gave me THAT look.

Yes, he really gave me THAT look.

Apparently, the hunt for the cheap Mamma Mia Cd had cost me a total of RM24.50. With that price, I could have added another RM5 and bought the original cd.

I am never going to be a millionaire at this rate.

The Dead Monkey

2008-11-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

I was driving along Glenmarie when I saw something in the middle of the road.

Curious, I looked at it and realised, horror of horrors, it was a monkey!

It was curled up in a ball with one arm grasping pitifully in the air for help.

If I remember correctly from memory, it looked like this:

I didn't realise what it was until I had passed it by. When I realised what it was, I nearly stopped the car, only to cause the cars behind to flash me.

In that short period of time, I visualized myself running down to the monkey, picking it up and running to the closest vet to save that poor monkey's life.

Then I wondered what if the monkey had the rage virus like in 28 Days Later and bit me as I attempted to save its life.

*imagines self as a zombie*

Not good. Daniel Craig will never shag me that way.

That and even if I picked up the monkey, I would have no idea where the nearest vet is. In fact, I wasn't even sure if there was a vet in Shah Alam.

By the time these thoughts passed through my head, I had driven way past the monkey.

I did not stop to help.

Question: Am I an evil person?

There are Stupider People in the World

2008-11-05T10:23:00.000-08:00

I mentioned that there were 2 articles I came across. This is the second one:

A second-year nursing student was duped and almost abducted by an Indonesian Worker who had cast a spell on her. This brilliant straight A student (note my sarcasm) claimed that she was "deeply in love" with the 33-year-old Indonesian after he gave her a silver ring with sparkling stones.

Here's the chronicle of events.
1. Gal meets Indonesian man.
2. Gal gives phone number to Indonesian man.
3. Indonesian man calls and agrees to meet gal the next day.
4. Gal and Indonesian man start dating.
5. Gal has headaches and Indonesian man makes her sniff a green ointment.
6. Indonesian man gives her a silver ring with sparkling stones.
7. Indonesian man asks her to go to Surabaya with him.
8. Gal agrees.
9. Gal meets Indonesian woman who tells her Indonesian man is no good.
10. Gal lodges police report.
11. Indonesian man is arrested.
12. Indonesian man is released from police custody, much to gal's surprise.

Do you, in this sequence of events, even see any sign of duping/casting spells? All I can see is a very idiotic girl, who's cheap enough to give away her phone number and make a date to meet a complete stranger the day after.

Her claims that she "couldn't think rationally" and "all she could think about was Indonesian Man" sound exactly like what people in love do.

And she claims she was nearly abducted to Surabaya! Hello? Its not abduction if its consensual!

Oh, and he caressed her every time they met up. Dearie, please. Don't blame your hidden horniness on a spell. If you're a horny b*tch, admit it!

Ah, and lastly, she was "surprised" when he was released. Could someone please tell this poor girl that he shouldn't have been arrested in first place. What charges can be brought against him? Black Magic?

If you ask me, this girl probably had a legitimate (Ok, not so legitimate,given that she's a Muslim and is subject to Syariah law and khalwat-ing is a big no-no) love affair with this poor sod of an Indonesian man and she promised to follow him back. Halfway through, she got cold feet. And she realised that she was no longer a virgin (thanks to the caressing and beyond...)

Best way out of it? Claim you are under a spell!

If life was that simple, I would claim that my crush on Clay Aiken was caused by a spell too. At least Sheela and Fadli would stop teasing me about it.

There Are Stupid People In This World

2008-11-05T10:01:00.000-08:00

There are stupid people in this world. More specifically in Malaysia.

I was reading the news today in NST and I came across two articles that proved my point.

The first was about an accountant who was so mortally insulted by the State Government's decision to put up multilingual road signs, that he decided to sue them.

I was amazed at his stupidity. No, actually I was amazed that he actually knew what the word "sue" meant.

I mean, seriously. How can you be offended by road signs??? I mean, its one thing to be offended by an exam paper with your name stated as an example (Long story that cannot be put up as certain lecturers might be offended).

-imagines-

Idiot Accountant wIth nO Thoughts (IDIOT for short) walks down the street.

IDIOT: *reads sign that says Fraser's Hill*
IDIOT: Ah tidak!!!! Saya ter-offendisasi!Hak saya sebagai seorang warganegara Malaysia telah dicabuli kerana saya telah membaca sign dalam bahasa Inggeris!

(In English, that means: "Oh no! I am offended! My rights as a Malaysian Citizen have been molested because I read a sign in English.")

IDIOT goes back home and cannot sleep. He is deeply disturbed by the sign. He cannot sleep and eat. He then dies.

I wish.

Instead, IDIOT is bringing a suit saying that what the State Government did is ultra vires to the Constitution. IDIOT's suit will probably get thrown out cos its frivolous and an abuse of the process of the court and because IDIOT has no locus standii.

(Ooh.. I'm totally sounding like a lawyer now. Ultra vires= Exceeding one's power. Locus Standii: In a position)

Anyhow, if IDIOT does win his case, I'm SO suing the television stations next for airing subtitles! I too can be offended!

The Voluntary Personal Shopper

2008-10-27T03:46:00.000-07:00

I was shopping at Topshop KLCC and I picked out a very nice dress.

It was 60s style and very pretty and flowery.

As I held it out to admire, suddenly, this lady with really bad rebonded hair who obviously did NOT work in Topshop showed up next to me.

"Ni chuan zhege hen mayli"

These thoughts ran through my mind:

1. Must translate that sentence.
2. Ni chuan means you wear.
3. Zhege means this.
4. Hen Mayli means very pretty.

Problem is, all those thoughts took a VERY long time to go through my mind. By the time I reached thought 2, my mouth went on autopilot and spurted out

"I don't understand Mandarin" (which is perfectly acceptable since I spent the first 17 years of my life not understanding mandarin)

She gave me a very long look.

"Malay?" she asked

"Nopes" I shook my head.

"Sawadee kah?"

(It means welcome in Thai. Which is weird cos there was no reason for her to be welcoming me in Thai.Unless she thought I was Thai. Hmm..)

-shakes head-

She took a look at the dress and sniffed, "Cheap"

Then she put the dress back and walked away.

The weirdest encounter I've had in a long time.

Holiday!!!!

2008-10-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

Yay!!! Planning a holiday after the final trial!!!

This time round, its gonna be just us chicks!!! No more Fadli and no more Imran! It's gonna be Estrogen Estrogen Estrogen!!!

Fadli and Imran both looking happy, having no idea that they were not joining me on the next holiday.

Problem with holidays is that when you're on a limited budget and you don't exactly know what you want, it's gonna be eff-ing difficult to choose a place to go.

Problem 1:Domestic or overseas holiday?

Overseas holiday: Impossible 'cos
1. Passport has expired.
2. Syeela's parents won't let her go overseas. (which sucks cos we were planning to go to Bangkok and sell Syeela in Chaktuchak Market)

Syeela for Sale. Cost: RM1000 or flight tickets back to KL, whichever costs more.

3. No money to book flight tickets overseas.

Domestic holiday:
Very possible so long as within Malaysia. So Sabah is out of the question. (We have to think like West Malaysians now. Sabah and Sarawak are NOT part of Malaysia. The sooner you programme that into your system, the sooner we all can understand why Sabah and Sarawak are not "developed")

Problem 2: What to do?

1. Beach
-Fun since I can run around in my bikini and pose for more bikini shots!!!!
2. Shopping
-Even more fun 'cos I'll have pretty new things to wear!
3. Theme Park
-May or may not be fun depending on the number of screaming kids there. Kids are evil. Especially when they steal your tube to play with.
4. Drive around aimlessly while eating Mr. Potato Tomato Flavour.
-not a very good idea cos it would make me fat. Then I won't be able to do number 1. cos fat asses do not look good in bikinis.

Anyhows, we found out one more problem. Qish only wanted to go to Perak cos she only knows the way there.

And so, this is what we want in our holiday.

1. Somewhere in Perak.
2. Has a beach.
3. Has a supply of Mr. Potato Tomato Flavour.
4. No kids.

We finally decided on this place:

Swiss Garden Damai Laut Beach Resort.

Nice right?

Even though we have to pay RM10 to enter the indoor jacuzzi, it looks like a great place.

And we can even choose to stay clear from the children!!!

Hazardous to health.

Whee! We're going to Damai Laut!!!

The Gillete Mach 3 Debacle

2008-10-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

The Boyfriend hinted that he wanted a Gillette Mach 3 razor. He wanted one because, and I quote,

"All men with bulu have Mach 3 razors and their girlfriends buy it for them."

He then related to me the story of his hairless friend whose girlfriend had not loved him enough to buy him a Mach 3 razor but he was lucky enough to get one free from a magazine. According to him, he deserved the razor more cos he was hairier and therefore more macho.

Apparently, in order for you to be macho in the men's world, you would have to have hair and a Gillette Mach 3 Razor.

Anyhows, Qish and I decided drop by a Watson's to pick out a Gillette Mach 3 razor for him.

We were bewildered when we reached the razor aisle. Apparently, it's not enough to know that you want a Mach 3 razor. Apparently there are 3 kinds:
1. The normal Mach 3
2. The Mach 3 turbo
3. The Mach 3 nitroAll of them cost about as much as I would spend on waxing or threading. In fact, if the Boyfriend had paid me as much money as I had spent on his razor, I would happily tweeze his whole face for him. :D

The Nitro and Turbo razors were considerably more expensive than the Mach 3 razor. A closer look at the Nitro and the Turbo razors revealed that the reason why they were so expensive was that they had tiny motors in them that made the razor vibrate.

Repeat: The eff-ing razors vibrate!!!!

Why any man would put a vibrating stick with three blades on it on his face is beyond me.

At first, I thought that it was an initiation rite. All men have to prove their machoness by putting 3 vibrating blades to their face.

And then it hit me! Gillette had found the perfect way to harmonise a man's needs and a woman's needs! With the new Mach 3 Turbo or Nitro, it pleases both men and women!

Think about it. Razor for men.. Vibrator for women..

Mwahahah!

Anyhows, I got the Nitro in the end. Not because of the vibrator but simply because it was green. And going green is the new black.

:D

I hate Solicitor's Accounts

2008-10-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

I failed the Eff-ing test. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't also fail the earlier test.

Conclusion: I'm a sucky accountant.

Problem is, I'll be spending this whole weekend doing 21 Solicitor's Accounts clients to be handed in on Monday. It's just like me being dumped by a guy and having to spend the whole weekend with him.

Two possible conclusions to that:
1. I end up getting back with that guy. (OK, in this context, I'll end up being extra good in Solicitor's Accounts)

2. I take a gun and shoot the guy on the top of his head,in the midline, 13 cm above the top of his right ear, and the bullet perforated the right parietal bone, through the dura and traversed into the right parietal lobe of the brain before ending in the right occipital pole of the brain.

Oh the sadness.

The Indonesian Prostitute

2008-10-16T03:32:00.000-07:00

It was a rainy Saturday when Sheela and I decided to go do our hair in SS2. We parked our car opposite the road and ran over to the Hair Salon. Turned out, the hair salon cost too much and it refused to do my hair (The blardy woman laughed when I told her that I wanted to perm just the top of my head)

Anyhow, we walked out only to realise it was raining cats and dogs. Well actually, I'm not sure it rained cats and dogs cos it was too ridiculously heavy to see the cats and dogs falling from the sky.

Sheela and I were getting drenched so we decided to hide in a stairwell. We hid there for about five minutes when suddenly a Chinese man came towards us with a giant umbrella.

He looked at us.

We looked at him.

He said "Banyak lebat hujan ya?"

I smiled and nodded.

He said "You dari Indonesia ka?"

(We pause a moment for the obligatory WHAT THE FCUK????)

I replied "Err.. No. From Sarawak"

He: "Oh, you're working here?"

I "Actually my friend is working here. I am studying here"

He "Oh, what course are you taking?"

I "Law"

-his eyes bulged out at this point-

He "Ohhh.. Law.... Good course. Good course. So do you plan to do your housemanship here?"

I "Err...Maybe."

He "Maybe if you want a job, you can call me. Here is my card"

And so I got his namecard.

Anyhows, after much discussion, Sheela and I decided that:
1. From the way he looked at us
2. From the way we were wet (literally lah!)
3. From the way we were pathetically crouching in a stairwell
4. From the way that our faces did not fit into the 3 categories of Indian, chinese and Malay

We were Indonesian prostitutes selling our services from a stairwell!!!

Tsk tsk tsk.. I have not been so insulted in my life! Note how his eyes bulged when I told him I was taking law, as if I was not worthy of such a profession. And to cover his embarassment, he offered me a job at his company, which had nothing to do with law!

-sigh-

To all West Malaysians out there,

There are people of your country from the East you know. We may not look like your typical Indian, Malay or Chinese (in fact, we look better) but that does not make us Indonesians.

We still have the right to huddle in stairwells out of the rain and be called Malaysians.

And we are worthy of noble professions!!!!

Yours truly, an immensely ticked off East Malaysian.

Announcing...

2008-10-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

The Demise of my Tennis Ball.

I threw my tennis ball up.

It fell down.

I did not catch it.

It rolled into the drain.

The End.
Airol laughing evilly.

Hiro Ith Ab Wannath.... (That's Elvish for may he rest in peace or sth like that)

My Tennis Ball

2008-10-09T04:15:00.001-07:00

I have a new tennis ball.

(Look at the ball and at nothing else)

It is a reasonably nice tennis ball.

Not as nice as this one:

Or these:

(Don't take into account the flat tennis ball. It's plain ugie)

But it is still a nice tennis ball.

My reasonably nice but not as nice as other tennis balls taught me something.

1. I cannot catch balls.

2. Playing balls near stairs where lecturers walk by is a very dangerous thing to do. It may just hit the songkok off the next Professor Madya that walks by. (OK, it didn't hit the songkok off him but it fell reasonably near him. He should have had the decency to return my ball. Hmpfh)

3. Balqish has an unreasonable hatred towards balls. It would very much explain why she's my faux lesbian-partner.

The End.

Cam-whoring with the Flea

2008-09-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

Fadli and I were at the Curve last weekend celebrating his birthday. I realised that we hadn't cam-whored in awhile. So we did.

We were shy at first. So we took pictures of the food to warm us up.

Fried Mac and Cheese at TGIF. Reasonably yummy.

Then we took a pic of us eating the food. By us, meaning me.

Me, my mouth and a ball.

Fadli didn't like how good I looked with a ball halfway to my mouth. He decided that he could look better than me.

He failed. Miserably.

We then attempted another competition. Who looked the best with whipped cream in their mouths.

This is me.

This is him.

You choose who won. (Women and gay men are not allowed to choose)

Anyhow, Fadli was sad.

I was reasonably pleased with myself, a side effect from wearing the new dress and red heels I got the other day.

The competition had heated up. It was Camwhore 1

VS

Camwhore 2

Being the kind-hearted and un-kiasu person that I was, I let him win.

Anyways, it was obvious that I was the better cam-whore.

Proof:

The camera loved me so much that it kicked him out of the lens view.

The End

Leftover Food, the ultimate Cam-whore.

The Bra Debacle

2008-09-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, I had a problem.

I had no bras to wear.

Ok, I did have bras to wear but they were all colored and were visible through the white shirts we LLB students have to wear.

I had another alternative... use a black shirt.

But I did that yesterday.

Anyhow, I spent a good ten minutes this morning wondering what to do.

I could:

a) Wear a white shirt and a coloured bra and proudly flaunt my assets.

b) Wear a white shirt and a coloured bra and cover it with my coat.

c) Wear the black shirt that I wore yesterday and let everyone think that I didn't shower since yesterday.

d) Crawl back in bed and sleep.

D was the best choice there was. It was a cold morning and was perfect for sleeping in. (Then again, what morning isn't perfect for sleeping in?) But as a responsible and important adult, I knew that crawling into bed to sleep just because all you own are pretty colorful bras is NOT the solution.

B would've made sense except that this smart girl left her coat in the office. I would've had to walk to class flashing my bra to all just like in choice A.

C would've been just plain stinky.

And so, my half-awake mind cooked up a plan that involved all the above. (minus D, sadly)

I wore my black shirt to the office.

Once in the office, I changed into my white shirt.

Then I put on my coat.

Voila!
I am so smart sometimes...

Homeless Irman

2008-08-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

Irman came down to Shah Alam the other night and decided very late (at 12 a.m.) that he didn't want to go back to Malacca that night.

He couldn't spend the night with me because I'm obviously a girl.Me as a girl.

And so, we started looking for hotels in Shah Alam for him to sleep in.

Tough luck. The hotels were full.

And so, Irman got the bright idea of going to Pudu to find hotels because:
1. It was convenient for him to get transportation.
2. There were many cheap hotels in Pudu.

We arrived at Pudu at 1 a.m.

All normal looking hotels were full.

The only lodging available was a cheap looking traveler's lode that charged RM30 a night for a fan room for yourself.
Irman is the one in red looking homeless.

It looked like this from the outside.

We decided it didn't look too bad and obtained the key to check out the room.

Thank God we did. It was hideous.

The corridor looked like this.

Actual view looks much much worse than this.

The doors were made out of zinc and the room numbers were written in ink (or blood).

The wooden floors were maggotty and had holes in them.

The stairs had no handles and CREAKED.

I would've taken pictures but when I whipped my camera out, the door at the end at the hallway opened revealing a half naked Chinese man in the communal bathroom screaming:

"TAK ADA AIR!!! HIDUP MACAM KUCING!"

I panicked. I grabbed Irman an we got out of there FAST.

Moral of the story: Study hard and book hotel rooms ahead of time.

The Red Shoes (Part 2)

2008-08-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

I bought the red shoes.

Yes, Sheba listened to reason.

Reason 1:

The one to the right. I don't trust the fashion sense of the guy on the left.

Haiya. Just get it. Sumone else (like me) might get it.

Reason 2:

I say you should get it.It's cheap. It's a sign for you to buy a red handbag too.

Reason 3:

Why you listen to Fadli one? (or something to that effect. I lost the transcript of the chat log) You should buy it.

The shoes were pretty.

They made me look pretty.

They also caused me to buy a prettyful black dress that looked great with those heels.

Focus on the black dress and not on the mound of unironed (but not necessarily unwashed) clothing behind it.

Oh, and Syeela picked it out.

However, the prettyful shoes left me with this.

The blister, not the shortened toes.

And so Syeela and I went to the poor man's version of Kenko Fish Spa.

It's called Cute Fish Spa and only charges RM5 per 10 minutes of non-stop fish nibbling on my toesies.

The fish loved my feet at first.

Then Syeela stole the fishes from me.

Sad sad.

Anyhow, now I'm poor but with a black dress, red heels and eaten feet.

Not THAT different from that girl from Hans Christian Andersen's story who got her feet chopped off.

On the bright side, I didn't fall! Yet.

The Red Shoes

2008-08-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

I was in a certain shopping mall shopping when I came across a pair of shoes.

They were not just any pair of shoes. They were Lewre' shoes.

They were not just any pair of Lewre' shoes. They were red shiny clunky Lewre' high heeled shoes.

They were not just any pair of red shiny clunky Lewre' high heeled shoes. They were eff-ing 70% off!!!!!

The Red Shiny Clunky Lewre' Heels that were 70% off.

They were gorgeous. They made my feet look pretty. Plus, they were the last size and they were MY size! They fitted me like Cinderella's shoe!

Anyways, me, being the smart me, listened to this guy.

He said, and I quote, "No needlah yang. You don't have a red handbag to go with it"

However, I later found out that his statement was made with an ulterior motive. Had I bought those shoes, I would not have had enough money to buy the ingredients for the cake I was supposed to bake for him. (Kek Lapis Cadbury Coklat. Very nice. In essence, it's coconut layered with chocolate.)

Anyhow, 12 hours later. I realised I regretted my decision. Who the heck gives up the chance to buy kasut baji (I think that means clunky heels or wedges in Malay) Lewre' that are 70% off???

I couldn't stop thinking about it. And then I remembered the story of the Red Shoes by Hans Christian Andersen.

It was about this girl who really really wanted a pair of red shoes. Red SHINY shoes.

“I suppose they are of shiny leather?” asked the old lady. “They shine so.”

They fitted her and were bought.

Eeriely familiar?

There is really nothing in the world that can be compared to red shoes!

Hmm.. exactly my sentiments about the shoes.

Anyhows, the girl ended up being cursed to never stop dancing for wearing those shiny red clunky Lewre' heels. She was so tired of dancing, she made an executioner chop her feet off so she could stop dancing.

She lived the rest of her life in crutches and died in a church.

The story got me thinking. Maybe those shoes were too perfect to be true. Maybe if I buy those shoes, I'll be cursed to never stop dancing and I'll have to get some guy from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre to saw my feet off. (I would've gotten that guy from Saw to do it but he died in the end)

*snorts*

Chances are, me being me, I'll trip on those shoes and have to hobble around.

I'm going back tomorrow. If the shoes are there, I'll get them. If not, it's obvious that Jesus does not want me to have them.

P/S: As Sheela says, why doesn't Jesus seem to understand why we need money to buy shoes? I replied: Jesus walked on water. He would give us money to buy flippers if we needed it; not shoes.

Crappification

2008-08-06T04:48:00.000-07:00

These questions were asked and answered by Syeela and I in Forensic Science class.

1. Why are Guess Jeans expensive?

Because they want us to guess the price and then be shocked. :D

2. Why do lawyers wear black and white?

Because when they were discussing on what uniform should a lawyer wear, it was at night and the moon was so terang that it showed white upon the black sky so they agreed on that colour.

3. Why do we have to punch in before 8 and not before 8.30?

Because our lecturers truly love us. If we come before 8 a.m., we don't get stuck in the jam.

Therefore, Lecturers let us come early to skip the jam.

4. Do you think Brendan Fraser can be the King of England?

No, because he likes mummies and he would be better off as the King of Mummies

5. Why does Beckham love balls?

Once upon a time, Posh Spice was feeling frisky and one thing led to the other and Beckham was admitted in the hospital for testicular surgery. Ever since then, he appreciated his balls and their brother balls. He not only loves soccer balls but he loves golf balls, snooker balls and Fadli's balls.

Beckham loves these too!

6. (Put in at Syeela's insistence)

If Fadli and Zharif become best friends forever, what would be the reason?

They both hate Sheba.

-_- <------My face.

7. Why is Neil Patrick Harris hot,even though he's gay?

'Nuff Said.

The Nose Clip

2008-08-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

I was at the pasar malam one night and I came across this thing.

Yup. Err.. is the right phrase to be used here.

Now, this product should really target Dayaks. You see, Dayaks have VERY large nostrils.

A Typical Dayak Teenager Shopping in a Typical Kuching Shopping Mall

I turned to the back and realised that voila! It WAS targeted at Dayaks.

You see, us Dayak women cry ourselves to sleep every night dreaming of a sharp nose.

And so, the product targeted the Dayak woman who drives.

It also targets the Dayak woman who watches soppy Korean love dramas.

The one thing it DIDN'T target was the Dayak woman who's too cheap to buy the RM16 nose clip.

And so, I came up with my cheaper alternative.

A cosmetic miracle for all Dayaks, poor and rich alike!!!

bosan-nye....

2008-07-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Enough said.

P/S: Bosan= Bored

Things that make a guy disgusting

2008-07-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

Men are disgusting. It's nothing personal as my own boyfriend is a man. In fact, my father is a man and my brothers are men-to-be. But I digress.

Bored in Forensic Science, (There's only so many types of toxins one can remember. I lost interest at aromatic amines)a list of things that make a guy disgusting magically emerged on my table.

Here are the top five things that make a guy disgusting:

1. He writes poetry and expects you to read it and cry. (Actually he'll want you to memorise it and write an essay about it detailing the rhyme scheme he used and who is the protagonist in that poem etc..)

Example of such poetry:

My hart is urs,
Ur hart is mine,
I lap u 4eva!
LAP!!!!

2. He used to be/is/has fantasies of becoming a security guard.

Security guards are evil. They have a god-complex thinking that they own the premises they work on and believe that it gives them the power to bully people and be rude to them.

Honestly, security guards think that they are God's answer to the lack of police enforcement. They strut around hitting on women (irregarding the odour coming from their synthetic fiber-ed uniforms) and harassing innocent people who attempt to enter the premises.

If God was a woman, She'd hate security guards. And so security guards are doomed to hell.

3. He does not take care of his personal appearance.

These pictures below speak for themselves

4. He thinks that the sound of his car makes up for the teeny size of his penis.

Yes, we know you have a small penis. Yes, no amount of pulling on it will help. And no, stepping on that accelerator and revving will not make us focus on your car instead of your itsy bitsy member.

We understand your need to boost your alpha-male ego to the size of Vin Diesel's. But that doesn't make up for the fact that your little brother is the size of a cocktail sausage. So stop revving your engine!

5. He wears sunglasses to the mall/club/anywhere indoors.

Puh-leeze. If you're not blind, then why wear sunglasses indoors?

.
There were more but they were too personal and pointed to one person. So I shall not risk a defamation suit and end here.

The C.V.

2008-07-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

I have absolutely no experience in writing a C.V. When I sat down to write it, this came out:

(If you didn't see anything above, it was completely intentional. For those of you who still don't get it, nothing came out.)

Then Angel told me,

"if it's a job, then write all sorts of good things about yourself and why they should hire you
let's say you're independent.. then elaborate a little and say how it'll help in the job"

I realised that Angel had infinite wisdom and that was exactly what I needed to do to my C.V. So I came up with this:

Name: Sheba Gumis

Objective: To get a kick-ass job that pays enough money so I can afford a giant white Gucci bag to carry all my case-files in instead of the typical lawyer briefcase most lawyers wheel around.

A Good Bag

A Bad Bag

Education:

A 3/4 complete law degree.

Skills:

1. I talk a lot. This is a trait important for all lawyers. Of course, whether or not what I talk about makes sense is completely irrelevant.

2. I look good in Black and White. Given that Malaysian lawyers can only wear black and white to court, I believe that looking good in black and white is a pre-requisite to becoming a lawyer. Furthermore, it will be good for the company's morale to have someone looking good in black and white to look at.

3. I know, understand and can apply big words to everyday situations. Among the big words I know:

Habeas Corpus: The release of a person who has illegally detained.

Tort: The law of suing people for wrongs done unto you.

Discombobulation: Confusion.

4. I watch legal shows. The legal shows I watch include:

Ally McBeal

Sex and the City (Miranda's a lawyer so that counts as legal)

The End.

I will SO get a job after this.